Mirror Image

Hello readers and Happy New Year (well, almost)....   I cannot tell you how many individuals have approached me and asked that I resume posting my online dating blog. Personally, I find some of these stories too far-fetched to believe, had they not happened to me directly. But, given the demand and the story requests at numerous parties and events, I will give you a taste of some prior events for the sake of entertainment.

Not all too many months ago, I had the fortunate experience to meet someone through a church-based networking event. I go to a mega-church in Alpharetta. He goes to my pastor's father's church in Atlanta. Similar beliefs, however he does tend to think MY church is a bit weak on the substance. (Cannot say I agree, but different strokes).

Yes, he was participating with an online dating site, so this story is applicable to this blog. He attended a related church as mine, and he was/is actively involved in some ministries related to that high profile church. I know this folks, is what I am trying to say. And, not just any Tom-Dick- or Harry is allowed to manage these groups. Overall, I thought I was dealing with a clean-cut guy.

So, after a while of chatting, he asked if I would be interested in a dinner date. Of course! And, within two days, he and I had a wonderful dinner at a local canteen in my part of town. It was a Friday, and the date was awesome. Both he and I looked forward to seeing each other again. He dropped me off at my house and said goodbye, without playing the Grabby-Grab game at the front door or without asking to come in to have “coffee” (with fingers in air quotation marks). I was truly impressed by the amount of respect he was showing me.

The following morning, at around 9 AM, my phone rang. It was him. Let’s give him a name, readers! Let’s call him....hmm...Rod. Yes, Rod. Let’s call him Rod. So, ‘Rod’ calls me the following morning. He apologizes for being so forward, but he had a fantastic time with me the night before. Furthermore, he says he knows I have plans that evening (Saturday, which I did). And, he admits he too has plans with another date that Saturday evening, but.... After meeting me, he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that he would definitely like to see me again. And, he also admits that he knows his date Saturday will be highly disappointing, given he would only be wishing to be with me.  (I told you people I am awesome)....

Yes, I had plans that evening too, but I also wanted to see Rod again. Well, I did a no-no. I cancelled my plans and went out with Rod. We had a blast, yet again. We went to a great restaurant and ate sushi...and had some of the best wine....and laughed and laughed and talked and talked. It was fantastic! While driving home, we passed a Hooters and he tossed his head to the side and said, "Hey, wanna stop in Hooters for drink?" I chuckled. Funny guy. Hooters.... Anyway, we travelled to my house where I invited him in afterwards. We sat and talked until the early morning. Rod wrapped up his night with our first, gentle kiss goodbye and left.  I was thinking that Rod was a great guy. Date two and I didn't have to defend myself against attack. Things were looking up in my dating world.

The following morning, Rod met me for church (mine), and while we waited for the service to begin, Rod told me he had called his mother that morning and talked for a full hour discussing me and the possibilities for our future together. Although I attempted to remain neutral, that little smile inside me was beaming. After service, we went for a quick brunch and then returned back to my house, where he and I did some yard work together at my house. (I had planned on yard work after church and Rod volunteered to help out to maximize the time we spent together that weekend). What an awesome guy!

We came back into the house to get some water and Rod casually mentioned there was something he wanted to bounce off me. I sat down, as did he. He proceeded to tell me that he was three years divorced (which I knew). And, he proceeded to remind me of a story he had told me the evening before. In this story, he said that after his divorce, he went through a mid-life crisis and dated a much younger woman. Well, that 'much younger woman' was actually a Hooter’s waitress who was 23. Rod was 48.

“Well,” he said, “You know how I said that it was 'after my divorce?' I wasn’t being 100% forthright with you, but I wasn't lying, ok? Yes, it was after I divorced, but it wasn’t immediately after I divorced. It was three months ago. [He chuckled.] Wait, no, we did not start dating three months ago. We broke up three moths ago. We dated for nine months altogether, three of which we lived together. You also need to know she is my best friend. I talk to her once or twice a day and we text throughout the day every day. Now Shawn, wait, I see the look in your eyes. I haven’t had sex with her in four weeks and even then, I knew it was only physical. She is just a friend and she will always be my friend. Now that you are in the picture, I won't be sleeping with her any more, ok? We will continue to talk and text, but I doubt we will spend too much time together any more. She is going to hit the roof when she finds out that I have a girlfriend. [Again, he is laughing to himself.]

I know her, Shawn... and fully expect her to send me pictures of herself- if you get my drift- but I don't want you to feel intimidated by that. I will delete them. She is just trying to make me miss her, and she is a bit jealous. You have to realize, you are the one for me. My mom told me so. She said that you are age appropriate, and that you are welcome in her house. I mean, I tried to bring 'Susan' to a family dinner and my mom told me to get that "whore" out of her house, and if I ever brought her back over, she would throw ME out of the house too! [More self-laughter.] You will be welcome and will make my mom really happy.

So, are you okay with this? You understand, right?”

Dear readers.... Dear, dear readers.... Here is what went through my head. What 48 year old in his right mind would date a 23 year? Other than the obvious, what could they possibly have in common? And, didn’t he just tell me that her parents were in their mid-40, younger than him? What in God’s green earth could possibly be okay about this situation? And, she is STILL his best friend? What could he be getting out of a relationship like that? I mean, think about your best friend. What do you go to them for? Advice? Support? Solace? Accountability? And, this is who HE goes to for these things? And I am supposed to be ‘understanding’ of this?

Better yet, I am 'age-appropriate?' Mom will like me? So, this is all about image?

I only had two short words for him. “Get out.” Get out of my house. Get out of my life. Get out of my head. GET OUT.

Welcoming is bittersweet

After how many months of being silent, I am back. As so many of you know, I was engaged! Yes, the online bug came and bit me in the booty... But after a few weeks of playing the vanishing fiancé game, which I thought was the I am freaking out about getting married game, I find my fiancé (a dedicated Greek pilot) was really still surfing the online dating sites, looking for the stereotypical girlfriend(s) on the side. God love him for sticking with Greek tradition! So, it ended.....


Never letting moss grow on this rolling stone, I took a few weeks to recover and got back up on my two feet. As I feel I am the consummate optimist, I refuse to allow this to keep me down for long. In exposing my soul to you, I have to admit this entire process has literally rocked my world. Being "an expert" in relationships and feeling strongly about the online dating protocol, I cannot express enough how following my own advice is critical today. In the last two weeks, I have gone back and read my own posts, seeking strength and reassurance that "this DOES work!"


I rarely am serious in any of my posts as you know, but this one is. As I sit in the middle of the North Carolina mountains at a good friend's cabin with my best friend in the world, I look at the changing leaves and smell my freshly pressed coffee. Since starting this post, I now smell the crackling bacon waifing from the kitchen and my best friend, who has held my hand, handed me countless tissues, has expressed disgust over inappropriate things my ex fiancé said or did....the best friend who I dragged through an all-day bridal show, knowing full well my relationship was ending, yet feigned excitement to keep me from breaking down.....looks out the glass sliding door and smiles with her tea cup in hand.... I know am back.... And my posts will resume.....

I am assured that even though my heart was crushed, there IS someone out there for me....and you too... And everyone of the tears I have shed have an intended purpose to teach me how to be a better person, a better girlfriend and ultimately wife, and most importantly, an appreciative friend....

Much love,

Shawn

Following Up

Suffice it to say; when it comes to dating I am not always the most trusting person in the world. Granted, I am neither cynical nor jaded. I consider myself to simply “not be stupid” about it, which brings me to today’s post. Following up.

When I was a young girl, I used to sit and fanaticize as if I were a damsel in distress. And, along would come a big strong, shining knight. Riding at full bore on his white steed, he could crash through the gates of the fortress holding me captive. Within seconds, he would have slain the aggressor, freed me of my bondage and would have swept me away, sitting side-saddle with my flowing blonde hair blowing in the breeze. He would hold me close and never, ever let me go.

Although those days are long gone, I still have my moments of being swept away from the harsh reality of daily life as a single mom, working a full time job, trying to stay ahead of the normalcy we call life (bills, debt, car repair, landscaping, etc.). So, when I find I have met someone online through this match.com or POF.com or whatever site being used, I hide my profile. The way I see it, if I am falling for someone or I see the potential in falling for someone, there is no sense in muddying the water (or wasting my or some other guy’s time) while trying to find a connection. And, anyway, if you think you have some potential, why would you want to keep dating other men? Bottom line, I want to see if “this” is going to work, right? No sense in having all these distractions keeping me from that, so I hide my profile.

When I hide my profile, I usually tell the person with whom I am dating. No, I am not asking them to hide theirs as well, although it is a good sign when they step up to voluntarily do so. What I am doing is letting them know my intentions, which usually sparks a dialogue of these intentions. In doing this, however, I have learned- sadly- that not everyone is to be trusted. In telling another that I have taken down my profile, I guess that is an indicator that we are all a-go. Let the mad rush of dating begin. For in these instances, I have found that almost immediately, my new focus may begin a free-wheeling, online dating adventure, without bounds or restrictions.

In one instance, I took down my profile for several weeks. When we decided to date exclusively, I told this person that I was contacting the online company and having my account closed. He (appeared) ecstatic! He said, in fact, “I think I will do the same!” Little did he know, I had prepaid for my account for another month. Although my profile would not be posted or viewable any longer, I did have all account privileges- one of them being, reviewing profiles. So, low and behold, on a whim, I decided to go into the online site, conduct a quick search on his user name, and found he was back at it: Active, dating, and (at that moment) ONLINE NOW!

Although I have come to expect it, my heart sank a bit, but for reasons you may not know or understand. It’s not that I was madly in love or crushed over his activity. For me, it is a sad and growing knowledge that more people than I care to acknowledge are simply NOT looking for a true relationship. Furthermore, this dating thing- it’s all a big game. The thrill of the hunt. The excitement of the catch.

So, what do I do in such a situation? Well, I have choices, as do you. First, I can blow a valve and demand an explanation. This only ends in an argument or me looking irrational. Bottom line, relationships are severed and both of us walk with a bad taste in our mouths. This is never an option for me. (You, however, can choose to react any way you wish).

The next choice is to simply say nothing, knowing that he is still out there. Let him be. Let him do what he needs to do. In the end, if it is meant to be, it will be. However, my only question to you is, “Can you get over the betrayal? The Lie? Or, do you even consider it a lie?” That is a question only you can answer. After all, you are the one who has to live with the decision, correct?

The last choice is to simply ‘fade to black.’ You know how I love that phrase!  Simply slip away. Respond to a text or two, answer a call or two, and maybe write an email, but for the most part, you simply cease to exist in his world. You just move on. Often times, this is the hardest choice you have to make, but it also gives you the control and the power, which some people may tend to argue is not true. It is, though. You are the one with the knowledge. You are the one who caught him. You are the one making the decision to slip away in the night. And, put yourself in their shoes. One day, things are ducky and you are planning an exclusive future together. Obviously, they got something out of that, right? Otherwise, why would they have ventured down that path with you. Then, the next day, you are simply gone. No reason, no explanation, nothing. You just vanish. It leaves him wondering exactly what did he do? What went wrong? And, if he is the insecure type (which my opinion he is if he is doing such sneaky activities), his insecurities come to fester- nagging him that, once again, his deficiencies have cost him someone cool.

So, readers, it’s not my place to tell you what to do. It is my place to share my experiences with you, relay what I have done to offset these, and help you in any way I can to prevent such things reoccurring in your own life.

With all my love… Much, much muchness,

Shawn

The Profile Opening Line

As someone who has been online dating for a number of years (for fun, entertainment, true dating interest and even scientific study), I have found reading profiles one of the most entertaining of all tasks. Yes, these are tasks, as in chores, not the adventure of discovery. I have found there are the same ‘ole, same ‘ole opening lines in just about each and every one that I read. Granted, there are some who have the knack for writing and therefore attempt to present the same material differently, but in the end, most profile opening lines are the same….for the most part.

The most common of all the same ‘ole, same ‘ole’s include:

·         Well, a friend finally talked me into doing this…..

·         I thought I would give this a try….

·         Some friends of mine have actually found their spouse on this thing, so I am going to do it….

·         I hate talking about myself, so here goes….

Literally, these are almost verbatim quotes that have been used so frequently, they have entered eminent domain. They have been used so frequently, I often wonder if there is some ledger of opening lines or suggested opening lines on some cheat sheet that no one has told me about. When I stumble upon such lines, my response is almost always the same- Roll my eyes and move onto the next profile. Geesh, is there no one creative? Or, worse, honest? Yawn!

Opening lines are often hard, that I give you. And, in writing your profile, starting the thing is like the 20,000 lb. phone. Ya just can’t pick it up. I get that. Trust me! So, what are you to do? Let me make this easy for you. The first thing you need to do, and yes, I said the word “need,” is to open a Word document (or whatever you use for scripting letters, etc.). Open it and begin there, NOT in the Write About Yourself section of your profile. Give yourself space and time. I know you are all fired up with getting your profile “out there,” but this takes time. As much as getting ready to go out on a Saturday evening should take you more than ten minutes to prepare, you need to invest that same about of time in your profile.

Listen, quality people, the ones you are trying meet, they are reading your profile, ok? If you do not put any thought into it or if you just throw something up there, people will notice. It’s like in Marketing; we teach that it is often better to not advertise versus advertising incorrectly or inefficiently. That concept applies here more than anywhere. You are marketing yourself for a life partner, or so we/I hope. So, take the time and give yourself some latitude in tweaking your opening line to something catchy.

One thing I do, especially when writing in general, is to just start. No one says what you type first has to stay first, ok? So, start typing. You might find out that halfway down the page, your opening line just surfaces. And, there is this handy dandy trick when you use word of “cutting and pasting.” You can simply cut a catchy phrase out and paste it at the beginning of your profile.

So, hypothetically, you have done all this, right? And, you are still stuck. Gotcha. Here are some things you can do:

1.       Go to an online site, such as Google. Search for catchy quotes that grab who you are. Some examples may include, searching for “quotes about having fun” or “quotes about life being an adventure.” Just try it and see what pops up. Make sure you include the originator of the quote, otherwise that is plagiarism.

2.       Write a quippy phrase about your primary profile picture. If you have a picture of yourself on a beach, sipping a cooler, you could say, “What I wouldn’t give to be back there, right this second. I love the beach and am a true water baby….” There you go. You have an opening line. Catchy, creative, and ties directly into your overall profile theme.

3.       Be direct/honest. (That does not mean wishy washy or weak in your statement). Come out and say what you are doing online. “I am here to find….” Or “I am looking for….”

4.       Say who you are. “I have a great life! And, I am looking for someone to share it with!”

5.       And, not to be removed from this idea of profile opening lines, let me give you my most recent opening line. It states, “As I am someone who has been single awhile now, I have come to believe dating is rather like gathering water in the palm of your hands.....while you are busy gathering droplets, the good stuff is slipping through your fingers. Serial dating, a growing phenomenon in the online world is more of a distraction than an opportunity to increase the odds of finding a mate, and its one thing I do not do.” To me, it is addressing an online issue that, I believe, we are all having to deal with. You would not believe how many people email me, just to say that I have this online dating thing nailed. (Funny they should say that, since I am STILL SINGLE!!!)

In the end, your opening line is there to grab someone's attention. Once you feel comfortable with it, post it. And, then go back...day in and day out... and review it. Do not feel afraid to change it, again and again. You WILL get it right, I promise!

Much Love,

Shawn

It's all Who Ya Know

It’s a small world after all. It’s a small world after all. It’s a small world after all. It’s a small, small world.

The words have never rang as true as they do today, given the wonderful story I have to share with you all. Okay, some names, dates, events and sequences have been modified to protect the innocent. In doing so, some of the ‘not-so-innocent’ are also being protected. In reality, I feel like creating a website, www.badguysyouneedtoavoid.com. BUT, alas, I won’t do that. So, with a sigh and a flick of my hair, I move on.

As many of you know, I enjoy the process of discovery and the getting to know you (The King and I) process with dating. That, to me, is the scientific aspect of this and also behavioral study. Examining individuals and their backgrounds, looking for traits and indicative behaviors, even sensing subtle pauses or hesitations in speech can add worlds of insight into the unknown. But, man, there is nothing like having a gut feeling about someone and then finding direct, irrefutable proof that your “Picker” is spot on. That, my dearest of readers, is exactly what happened to me the other day.

So, a wonderful gentleman, okay, this really cool dude, gave me a nod. My initial thought was whether or not I could add another to the roster. I mean, really, isn’t my plate already full? Well, I wasn’t so keen on this roster and was thinking I should probably just chuck it altogether, but no, I will ride this train to the final depot; however I was kinda bored with the existing list, right? And, the leader of the roster was giving me issues. He was unavailable and detached at times (and then intensely engaged the next moment), and I just had this…..feeling? This gut sense that sumptin just wasn’t right. And, if you recall previous posts, that gut is ALWAYS right, right?  So, okay. Let’s focus on him for a second.

Looking at education, profession, writing style, articulation and verbiage use, oh, and then pictures, I soon realized, “Hm. Nice. Maybe I should nod back,” so I did. Fast forward a couple of days and a few emails and texts later, and I was chatting up a storm with a promising connection, named Larry. (So much for Mr. Detached, right?)

As we often do, Larry and I played the “Who do you know” game, and we soon learned that we know many, many of the same people. (Yes, Larry is NOT his real name). We talked about our work histories and those with whom we have come into contact. We talked about our colleges and those with whom we have come into contact. We talked about our fitness regimen and those with whom we have come into contact. We talked about our neighborhoods and those with whom we have come into contact….. And, then….. Ohhhh, and then… He says to me, “Yeah, I am surprised at how many people live around me who travel over an hour and a half to work. You would think they would live closer, and these are professionals too, like executives, attorneys, doctors, bank executives. It makes no sense.” (Titles are changed to protect the innocent).

“Bank executives? Did you say bank executives?”

“Oh, yeah. There are several who live in my area.”

“Wow. That is interesting, Larry. I have dated a bank executive or two in the last few months, actually.”

“Well, as long as your bank executive’s name isn’t John Doe, you should be fine! LOL”

Wait a second. Did Larry just say John Doe? Nooooo….. As Larry continued to chat, I sat there dumbfounded. Larry stopped talking. He asked if I was okay. I came to.

“Larry, did you say John Doe?”

“Oh, no. Don’t tell me you know him.”

“John Doe? The bank Executive? Lives in XYZ City?”

“Yep. Married to Jane Doe, a loving and devoted wife. Two little girls. Hmmm…. Those girls must be 17 and 20 by now? Yes, he has a reputation for being a player.”

“STILL married? Did you say he is still married? With two little girls?”

“Oh, Shawn, are you telling me that you know him?”

“John Doe who plays cello? John Doe who is a triathlete?” (Yes, details changed).

“The one and the same.”

“You know, Larry, THIS is why women are jaded. This is it. Luckily, I have only had a lunch date with him and have only talked and texted with him, but this really makes me angry. This guy has cancelled and rescheduled on me multiple times. He rarely picks up his phone and it takes at least twenty plus minutes, actually up to a full day, to get him to respond to my texts. NO WONDER! He is married!”

Yes, folks, John Doe was, is, and forever shall be married. Needless to say, I did not talk with him again. My only communication with him was to text him “Shame, shame, shame on you” for all he has done. Although he has no idea what I am “shaming” him about, or maybe he does, I did not even feel the need to reach out to elaborate further.

What a sad, sad world we live in….. And, no, I am not saying all men are this way nor am I saying that only men do these things, but who can you trust? When someone (male or female) go to the lengths of placing a PUBLIC ad, with pictures, online, to add you to their Facebook, to openly meet and attempt to date you, with no fear of recrimination, what does that say about the state of ethical values and morality in our society?

Feedback Wanted: Define "We"

Ok, this is a quick hit....  Went to lunch. GREAT lunch, by the way. During the conversation, my date says, "We took the girls hiking" and he begins to tell me a story. I cannot recall anything other than that first line, "We took the girls hiking."

I looked at him.

"Who is 'we?'"

"Me and the girls."

"No, you said 'we took' them somewhere."

I meant the three of us. Me and the girls.

Ok, dearest of readers. What do YOU think? Who is "we?"

Thoughts?

Feel free to respond to shawndobson2010@gmail.com. If you agree in the body of the email, I will post (anonomously, of course) some of your comments.

Much love,

Shawn (....sigh....this is getting old, isn't it?)

A Dating Mishap

One of the funniest things happened to me on a date I had not so long ago. After a wonderful meeting over a cup of coffee, my newly made friend and I decided to part ways. Being a true gentleman, he walked me to my vehicle, a new, soft-top Jeep, with a self-start feature on the key. It made me feel cool to start my vehicle from across the parking lot. Thought I would show off a little.

So, with my car warming up, saying goodbyes, I opened my driver door and placed my keys in the ignition. As we chatted, unbeknownst to me, the driver door started to close….slowly….quietly…. Saying goodbye for the last time, I turned to open my car door and found it was locked. “Be cool, Shawn.” My date saw the totally uncool, cool look on my face. Being direct, “Yep. Door is locked, but no worries. Zip-off windows! Ah ha!” So, I unzipped my driver’s side back window, stuck my hand in and proceeded to pull on the door handle from the inside. CRAP! Child safety locks. I could not open the freakin’ door!

Looking at my date in terror, I said that there was only one way to do this, and no, he will not be privy to seeing it. I had to CRAWL into the back window, over a row bar and over the back seat, balance on the console and then hop into the front seat, thus opening the door. Did I mention that the space was a little over a foot wide and that I am almost six feet tall? Did I mention I was wearing a TIGHT skirt that hit me mid-thigh? Did I mention I was wearing four inch heels? Dear goodness, this is NOT going to be pretty.

So, I said, “Please go to your car.”

“But, what if you need help?”

“Trust me; I will call a tow truck before I let you witness this.”

He must have seen the fortified strength in my eyes, because he didn’t even argue. So, like a puppy with his tail between his legs, he went to his car and never looked back. I kicked off my shoes, hiked up my skirt and proceeded to crawl, feet first, into the teeny window. I fell (gracefully, I might add) into the second row seat, hitched my leg over the passenger seat, and pushed myself into the driver’s seat, butt-first. Phew, I made it.

I opened the door, took the keys out and kept them in my hand. I got out, hose-footed, and zipped the window back up. I grabbed my things that I had left on the ground and high-tailed it outta there. Within seconds, I received a text from my date that said, “THAT was hysterical” .

So, my dear readers, it appears that not only am I graceful and agile in the dating arena, I also have a backup plan to be a cat burglar should this psychology stuff not work out.

So? Now what?

So, with all these helpful hints and insightful tips to assist in the online dating process, what exactly do we do when we meet someone who just might be what we are looking for? Well, even in typing such a statement, I somewhat shake my head. I hadn’t thought of that. I mean, I know how to spot a con- trust me; I have had enough of them in my life. I know how to pinpoint an OCD, control freak. Yep, I got that one down to a science. (Run for the hills if you see one, trust me!)  When it comes to highlighting liars, and married men, and guys who are players, I can tell you all kinds of signs and tricks of the dating trade to make sure that you are safe (well, saf-er, how is that?)

The dating a great guy thing, well, that is new to me. So, it’s like you and I are learning that together. What happens when you meet someone who is nice?

·         Someone who looks like their profile and their pictures.

·         Someone who says, “Hey, I am not looking to play around or date a thousand women. I am looking to fall in love and have a relationship. I am only looking for someone who is compatible with me and my lifestyle,” and they mean it.

·         Someone who says what they are going to do and does what they say?

Someone who is….

AS successful as you….

AS funny as you….

AS smart as you….

AS creative and talented as you….

AS family-oriented as you….

AS quirky as you….

AS cool as you….

AS positive as you??????

Heck, now what?

What do we do?

I mean, really, I have been looking for this person for what? 43 years? Ok, I wasn’t looking to date at 4, but I was looking to date at 20, right? So, let’s say 23 years. I have been searching for someone like this for 23, long, bloody, painful, joyous, surprising, educational years. NOW WHAT?

Well, I have that answer- We date. We relax and chill out and just do what comes naturally. I know we want to jump in and try and check on it and see if it is okay and if we need to do something more…or less…or better…or quieter….But, we can’t do that stuff. We have to just allow the relationship to grow. And, it needs to grow at its own speed and on its own terms. We cannot sit there and pick it or analyze it to death. The biggest thing we have to do is to simply have fun.

If you ask some of my friends, they will all tell you that you cannot call within so many days or you cannot text too much or too little or some other idiosyncratic thing that might scare the other person off. I, personally, think that is hogwash. Look, if you want to text them, text them! If you want to call them, call them! Call them because you miss them, NOT if you are checking up on them. There is a difference. If you want to see them, then go see them or ask them to come see you. The bottom line is that you are forming a relationship with this person. If you are one of those who likes a lot of time together, then spend a lot of time together- unless there is something on the calendar that is not normal (like obtaining some certification or a dissertation is coming due or a child that is on spring break). Anything out of the norm takes a bit of patience, but when it comes time for reality- for normal scheduling and activities, this is when you find out if your lifestyles are compatible.

Let me give you a for instance. If he is the type who spends a lot of time alone…or with his friends, that is okay. It’s not that you won’t necessarily connect. You just may. You have to “ease” your way into his life. If she is really busy with volunteer activities and she doesn’t have a lot of free time to give you, which is okay. Express you like to spend time with her and express that you would like both of you to set aside more time together. Just don’t sit there and let it bottle up inside you. Give her (or him) whatever space and time he/she needs to “ease” into the relationship. For me, I gauge this time to be about two months or so, give or take a couple of weeks. If at month three, he/she isn’t setting aside a good portion of time for “us stuff,” you may have an issue on your hands. It’s possible that person just doesn’t have the need or desire to spend more than a couple of days a month with you. It’s possible. However, if you are communicating regularly and expressing what you want and need, this should come as no surprise to them that you want more time.

Here is my best advice to you. Communicate. Talk about things. Don’t be afraid to tell the other person that you miss them. Do it kindly and with a clear desire to have a stronger relationship. Give the other person a chance. And, giving a chance means giving them time to ease into the relationship. I say this word because when you do a head dive into that pool of love, sometimes you smack your noggin’ on the bottom if you aren’t in deep enough water. For the most part, we are all adults looking to find love. And, we all have adult lives- which means we are balancing kids and soccer and school and career and church and exercise and…and…and…. When you throw another person into the mix, things get complicated. Work together to smooth these wrinkles out. In the end, the relationship will be much calmer and easier.

BLOG_March 2012

So, in a period of two days, I have had SIX (not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, but six) people comment that I have not submitted any work on my blog. Yes, my dear friends, you are correct. I have been quite busy. As my Facebook friends are well aware, some time ago I entered into Hope counseling training, which has occupied so much of my personal time. Introspectively, this has been one of the best personal exercises. As this blog solely refers to dating, I am a bit off center to fully address the training program and the impact it has made on me as a whole. However, as it relates to dating, it has caused me to- once again-reexamine my motivation and purpose as it relates to relationships.  Simply put, “What the heck am I doing?!?!?!”

So, let me update you. I am pretty sure this will not be the happy-go-lucky post you are accustomed to, but it does assist you in getting to know me better….and also understanding why I say (and do) some of the things I say (and do). More than anything, it lets you know the motivation behind my detailed dating analysis- both on myself and the subject in general.

Hope makes us take an introspective look into the audio clips that run in our heads. We examine the patterned behaviors that were laid out before us as children, forming how we view relationships. Specifically, how did our mothers “act” as wives? What did our mother’s nurturing ability (or lack thereof) “do” to our own ability to form and maintain relationships in our own loves? How did our fathers “act” as husbands and dads? How were our siblings treated, versus the messages that were laid out to us in comparison? Again, what is the “Mother Audio Clip?” What is the “Dad’s Sound-bite” that we hear every time we speak with our significant other?

We find that what our mother’s value in a relationship….and what our father’s respond best to…often forms what we look for as adults. So, if you mom is looking to marry rich and your dad was looking for eye-candy, well, let me tell ya what’s in store for you…. However, if your mom was a stay at home mom who nurtured you and cared lovingly for your father, and your father treated her as his princess, then you have a diametrically opposed dating (and ultimately, marriage) life ahead of you.

Whether we admit it or not….whether we are trying to assign blame to someone other than ourselves…whether we are trying to justify our behavior and how it has affected someone in our lives, these things do affect us- at varying degrees- in current relationships. Pervasiveness, inclusion, compassion, punishments/rewards, explanations for intentional acts and many more factors not addressed here determine the degree to which these affect us as adults and how we come to form (and keep) relationships as adults. The excuse, “I did the best I could” just doesn’t cut it.

So, Hope swoops in and says that all these things are “in the flesh” and to find true peace, we can only look away from things of this earth for self-worth and righteousness. We cannot “do” anything to fix us…them…others…the world…life in general…save our soul (or someone else’s, for that matter). We have to simply allow Him into our lives and we act THROUGH and BY our personal God, taking our earthy definitions- and self- out of the equation. These are the concepts I am entrusted to teach others, and while going through this training, it is greatly impacting me.  As a once participant, and now instructor, Hope has brought me out of the darkness and into the light, liberating me from the confines of earthly enslavement. I hope to offer Hope to others, as I am led.

That is my 30-second elevator speech.  Brief, truncated, and missing tons and tons of meat, but you get the general idea.

As I have somewhat been stagnant on the dating home front for months of late, I have reentered this battlefield with the greatest of caution, holding my breath not to step on any forgotten landmines that so often frequent my- actually all of our- past. One here, one there, a date is something I undertake with patience and focus. I do not take them on so lackadaisically any longer. Today, I am looking for something of substance, not that I wasn’t before; however, I tolerated (if that is the right word to use) a lot of nonsense. And, even though I am not militant, I am sticking to my guns in terms of what I will or will not allow.  (Just go with the battlefield analogy. It’s funny).

Simply put, I have come to realize my time IS extremely valuable- foremost to my son, but also to the people I serve. If I carve out time for a date, however serious (or not), it had better not be taken for granted, by myself OR them. Again, dear readers, I am not being militant, but come on now. The line forms to the left, got me? If Subject A doesn’t want to muster up the courage to be sincere, there is a Subject B, C, D…..who will.

So, hopefully, I will resume my comical postings and get back to the fun at heart. I simply wanted you to know where I have been and what I have been up to!

Much Love,

Shawn

Operator, I think my call was disconnected....

I am reading a great novel, when suddenly my phone comes. Up pops a notification I have a new Wink, or a new email, someone has "Liked" me. I pull up the browser and see their profile.

Education? Check.

Background? Check.

Faith? Check.

Healthy/fit? Check.

Attractive? Check.

Financially stable? Check.

Legally available? Check. (although there is no category "Not living with someone, currently")

.....I respond......

.......back and forth chitchat.....

......numbers are exchanged......

And, after a few short days, sometimes less, a call takes place. Its a good call, plenty of laughing with a casual banter that reflects a degree of chemistry on both sides. There is a promise of a future meeting and with much hesitancy as the call was enjoyable, we get off the phone. Shortly thereafter, I receive a text, "It was wonderful speaking with you. Its refreshing to know that some people are sincere on their profiles. I will let you you know about next Thursday! I am excited and we will talk soon! <insert name here>"

...I respond similarly adding a cutesy smiley face, because thats what gals do.....

A subsequent text or two, maybe even a call, but thats it.

.....No follow up on Thursday.....

...... No confirmation about meeting.....

...... No more texts.....

.......No more calls.....

Nothing

All communication ceases.

Now, if this was a one-time deal, I would think that maybe I didn't have the phone muted afterall when I flushed the toilet....oops.... Or! If this were only a dynamic that happened to me, I would assume my potential courters thought I was just quirky. (Yes, its been known to happen). But, this isn't a one time deal, and its not just me. This is a common occurrence that happens with both men and women, regularly. What is going on in the online dating world?

Even though I am not a Generation X-er, or Y for that matter, people who gravitate towards online dating are, in general, technology savvy. People who are technology savvy come to expect electronic responses, right now! And, when the "right now" doesn't happen right now, they close down their browser and reboot. Much of that is true in online dating as well.

We expect a date, right now, and if we don't set it right then and there, it often wont happen. Unfortunately, with the rapidfire requests to connect through the online dating world, our attention is often pulled away..... And then lost forever..... Its like a cat in a dark room with an infinite number of laser pointers flitting here and there. I am surprised we all don't have whiplash!

I have fallen victim to this as frequently as I have perpetrated it.  And while it is intentional, it can give the impression of a serial dater or misrepresent a lack of commitment towards dating in general.

To offset such impressions,  might I suggest creating the concept of a Dating Round? As potential daters are expressing an interest, limit yourself to a certain number upon which you will measure the "lot." For example, you may feel you can only effectively manage three in your round at a time. So, find your three. Talk, text, email, and arrange to meet them over a two week period. As others enter (via a new Wink or email), postpone-as much as possible- pursuing new interests. Initiate, engage, meet, and pursue or conclude this round of individuals before "moving on" to another new connection.

Here is the problem....if you are flitting from one person to the next, you are never discovering the potentials of the ones right in front of your eyes. And, if you are distracted from one, you will be distracted from another.....and, before you know it, you will be like a cat in a dark room full of lazers.... And you may have missed getting to know the love of your life.

Much love,

Shawn

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Hello? Is somebody there?

Whether it is my career choice or my academic training or my innate intuition, I have this inner voice that tells me when something just ‘ain’t’ right. For years, I have tried to squelch that voice or logically explain its message away. Certainly, this cannot be true or I am being too sensitive. Maybe what he is telling me is true. He cannot possibly be lying to me, right? Well, at 43, I have learned through numerous mistakes, far too many to recount or even attempt to tally, that my inner voice usually holds some modicum of truth. Today, when I get that feeling that something just ain’t right, I may not know the details, but I listen to it.

Until recently, I have applied this inner awareness to just about every aspect of my life: career, faith, ethical choices, friend selection, etc. with one exception, my dating life. In dating, there are words I have used to explain away that inner, gut feeling. Words like…..

……illogical…...paranoid..….sensitive..….over-analytical…jaded…insecure…

I have used these words to explain why I am feeling something that just doesn’t seem right. He is a good guy and didn’t mean to hurt my feelings, right? I am simply being sensitive….. Or, oh, he isn’t dating around behind my back. I am being paranoid. Fast forward four or five months, and yes, I learn he is cheating on me….or that yes, he is a jerk and simply has no idea about being responsible in a dating relationship. The lesson to this is to never, ever ignore that inner voice. If you think something isn’t right, well, you may not know what isn’t right or you may not know who isn’t telling the truth or you do not know how things went down, but something simply isn’t right.

To me, the specifics are of no consequence.

And, since it has taken years for this to sink in with me, I have some interesting tails of “certainly this isn’t happening” situations. Here are a few:

1)      Secret accounts: I have learned that some men (one of my best guy friends being one of them) have secret online dating accounts. They are duplicate accounts with a different user name. Sometimes they have pictures, sometimes not. These accounts allow them to date someone “exclusively” (and I am using that word loosely here, LOL) while continuing to “keep their options open” should things not work out with you. (Yes, readers, that was the explanation I was given).

2)      Sleeping Child: The Sleeping Child excuse is one of the oldies but goodies. [text]“Sweetie, I cannot call you because my son is sleeping next to me.” Uh, let’s change that around to “Sweetie, I cannot call you because my wife is asleep next to me.” Ah, that’s better.

3)      The Last Minute Date: The last minute date, in and of itself, is not such a big deal. BUT, if all he ever does is ask for a last minute date that is a HUGE red flag blowing in the wind. That tells me wifey (or girlfriend, take your pick) stepped out at the last minute, which gives him an excellent opportunity to ‘step out’ himself.

4)      Tick Tock Time: So, he cannot ever give you a time. For example, he has to take the kids home on a Sunday night (you know, visitation is over). He wants to see you afterwards. Cool! So, he says to keep your schedule loose for Sunday evening.

6 PM, you text, “Any ETA?”

“Not yet. Have to call my ex. Will get back with you! Cannot wait to see you tonight!”

7:30 PM, “What’s the word?”

“Don’t know. Packing to go back.”

8 PM, “Do you want me to head your way yet?”

“I am driving them now. Will let you know.”

8:30 PM, “Are you there?”

“Still in car.”

9:30 PM, “Can you estimate what time we can get together?”

“I am driving. I have to get the kids home. Will call when I can!!!!!”

10:30 PM, “Name, there is no way you are still driving. What is going on?”

“I am being honest and I do not appreciate your accusing me of lying. I had to pack and get the kids ready. And then drive them home. This is something I have been doing for three years and it just takes a while. If this is going to work, you need to learn to be patient. My kids are my priority, not dating. I do want to see you though.”

***Ok, readers, do not sit there and think, “She is crazy to have kept texting with him.” Trust me, I knew something was up at 7:30 PM. Seriously, what parent doesn’t know the approximate time the kids are supposed to be back at their mothers? I kept the dialogue going while shopping and then over appetizers at Sage Restaurant near the Perimeter Mall, with a girlfriend. We would talk, forget for a moment about him, then return to the text dialogue. By 8 PM, I was bored with it, but my girlfriend (who is married) was really into it. She kept returning to my cell. I guess this was her vicarious way of living the single life, LOL. Eventually, even she became bored. Bottom line, I ended up telling the guy I wasn’t interested. End of story.***

5)      Emergency: So, you are on the date and then his cell jingles or vibrates or downright rings. He “has to take this. It’s one of the kids!” He steps out and takes the call. Within a few moments, he comes back and says that he needs to leave. If it happens once, well, I you certainly understand. But, if this is a repeat situation, it’s not normal. I guess it is possible he has a child with enormous issues which require interrupting his evenings repeatedly, but even if that is the case, is that something you really want in your life anyway?

In all of this, the message is clear: If something doesn’t seem to be right, honey, it isn’t. Listen to your gut. Listen to your inner self.

Let me get deep for a moment. People call it a lot of things. Some say they are psychic. Some say they have a sixth sense. Some say they are naturally intuitive, like an animal instinct. I say that God has placed an inner voice of discernment in each of us. The Bible talks about this, in fact, both in the Old AND the New Testaments. The New Testament even goes on to say there is a highly developed level of discernment that some have. It is listed as gift of the Holy Spirit.

Whatever you personally call it….whatever you believe it is or isn’t, you need to listen to it. Rarely do I go out on a limb and tell you what you need to do. In this instance, however, I firmly believe you need to listen to that inner voice, especially when dating.

It is telling you the truth. It is showing you the safe path, the best path.

Much love,

Shawn

Surprises!

In online dating, I can honestly say, I feel like I have seen and heard it all. I am sure you may be able to share one of your own stories and I welcome them. But, until I hear from you, let me share a couple of my most memorable moments.

One of my favorite meetings was back in the early 2000’s, when I first became involved with online dating. To be honest, I was green-eyed and bushy-tailed and had no clue as to the do’s and don’ts of dating, let alone this new online phenomenon. I received a Wink from this gorgeous guy with the bluest of eyes, and this dark, dark, curly hair. With olive skin hinting of Italian decent, I found him witty and intriguing and all the things I thought I wanted from a charismatic gentleman. With excitement beating my heart, he asked me to meet him at a local, family-owned Italian restaurant (no surprise), known for its atmosphere and solid cooking. I arrived at the charming hotspot and began to look around the small room for my prince-in-waiting. I could not see him. I stood there a moment. He was nowhere to be found. I checked the time. Yes, it was the right time. Where could he possibly be? From the back of the room, I hear someone lightly call out my name and I look up to an energetically waving hand. “Over here! Shawn!” I started towards the booth, and as my eyes took in what I saw, it hit me, “Run!” Of course, I didn’t. I sat down in the booth, across from a gentleman every bit of 20 or more years older than the pictures I had examined. His remaining hair was grey and cut, almost buzzed, close to his head. As he greeted me, I must have had some look of shock and horror on my face, because he immediately addressed the physical inconsistencies with his pictures. He explained to me that he was “young at heart” and most of the women who were attracted to him were “old and boring” with “one foot already in the grave.” Yes, readers, he said that. So, he had the brilliant idea to use his son’s pictures in the hopes that he could attract younger women, and once he met them, they would see exactly how youthful he actually was.

That fateful one-time meeting at the Italian restaurant ended up taking an hour of my life that I will never get back, but my next date example was one for the books. Now, this was before I had come up with the Twenty-Minute Meeting concept, so official “First Dates” were still my modus operandi….unfortunately. Anyway, I had met a gentleman and we had some very engaging conversations. During one of them, he stated he was quite the gentleman and did not believe the woman should ever, under any circumstances, pay for the first date. Since I was thinking that the conversation was good, hopefully, this date would go well equally. He asked me on a traditional dinner and a movie for Friday night. I felt like I was in high school again! We met at the movie theater and got in line for the ticket counter. As we waited in line, he stood in front of me, leading the conversation and engaging me in light banter that was both fun and took the boredom out of the long wait. In what appeared to be no time at all, we were at the head of the line awaiting the next available clerk. Upon being called, my date stepped to the side. Let me say that again. He stepped to the side. Are you getting what he did? Instead of stepping up to the counter, he stepped to the side of the line, leaving me at the head…..alone….looking at the clerk…..with a line of people behind me…. I looked to him and he turned his back, stepping a few feet from the head of the line. “Mam, next in line please.”

As I walked toward the counter, everything fell into place.  This guy was going to stick me with both our movie tickets, even after his display of chivalry. Oh, my woeful reader, do not despair. I had a plan. I made my purchase and proceeded toward the ticket taker.

Serendipitously, my date appeared beside me. “Everything okay?” he asked.

“Absolutely, not a problem.”

“Tickets please.”

I handed the young teen, working the gate, my ticket and proceeded towards the appropriate theater, leaving my date- ticketless- with him. Have I ever told you that I sometimes enjoy going to the movies alone?

Kerplunk

It seems like every so often, I get one of those First Meetings that requires telling the world. And, for women over 40 everywhere, this may be one of those stories you cling onto and yell, “Yippee!”

Last night, I had a First Meeting with someone I had met online. For two weeks, we have talked and texted, which is a bit longer than my norm before actually meeting the individual face to face. Given my hectic schedule, both with work and my family commitments, it prohibited me from setting a definite time. Given I had a free evening with my son out of the house; I decided I would meet for a few moments to actually put a face to the name and pictures I had been reviewing.

I walk into the restaurant, where he is already seated, and find him 2/3rds of the way through his first beer. Given he had just texted me 4 minutes before saying he just sat down, I found this something to observe, although I was not fully concerned at this point. We made our introductions and greetings, with me standing and him remaining seated. From an etiquette perspective, I thought that this was something of note, but I do consider myself somewhat traditional in terms of such things. I let it go.

After I sat and removed my jacket, he simply looked at me. Well, actually, he stared at me. Okay, truth be told, he gawked at me. A full-on oogle. I was thinking, “Okay, this is awkward and I had better say something quick before he drools.” Instead, he interrupted me and said, “So, your profile states you work out at least four times a week. Really?” and he made an odd face and cocked his head sideways.  Well, I guess what I thought was oogling was really disappointment and he was quickly coming to terms with it. Yes, I work out four times a week, minimum. My workouts, however, are heavy weight lifting and strength training, not the (assumed) aerobics he was expecting. I responded similarly and he seemed to be okay with it, so the meeting continued. We talked of his work and his music and his friends and his weekend activities. The conversation was, in reality, a monologue, a one-man rant about himself, a soliloquy. Being a student of behavioral oddities, I observed with the amusement of a psychologist in training, which is exactly what I am, haha. Sweet!

After his downing his second beer and me finishing my first water, I told him that I needed to head on home, given the late hour.  I offered to pay my share, oh wait, I had water, didn’t I? Haha, so he paid the bill. We walked out to the parking lot, where his car was closest to the door. He asked if I could listen to a particular song we had discussed earlier in the evening, as he had his iPod, and I agreed. Why not? If he made a move, I was pretty sure I could take him. After all, I had at least 4 inches and 10 pounds on the guy as it was. I am in strength training, after all!

So, after a very smooth and dynamic song, lasting 4.19 minutes (yes, I was watching the clock. I was tired, give me a break), I wished him well and made my goodbyes.  As I was getting out, he said, “Well, it’s up to you.”

I stopped. “What? What is up to me?” I was thinking, the next call? The next date? Did he ask me something and I had tuned his incessant jibber-jabbering out?

His response stunned me, “What we do next….tonight. Where we go.”

I told him, “I am going home. I am tired and I am a bit sore from my workout tonight.”

“Shawn, if you rub my back down with oil, give me a great massage, I bet your sore muscles will stop hurting. You can follow me to my house. It’s only four miles away.”

I looked at him. This guy, who showed disdain for me earlier in the night, this guy who could not even get up to greet me, this guy who never even bothered to ask one question to or about me, was actually thinking I was going to follow him to his house? Is this the 2012 version of Atlanta Punked? Seriously? Where are the cameras?

I looked at him….  I just looked at him….. All I could see was that initial look on his face, earlier in the evening, when he asked me about my workout schedule…. That look of disdain and of dislike. And, it hit me….. Whereas I would normally excused myself and just gotten out of his car and went home, thus ignoring him forever, I decided to say something.

“Let me get this straight. You blatantly look at me with disgust, as I am assuming you think my body is not your type….You monopolize the entire conversation, never even once asking me about my day….Knowing I am not feeling all that great, at this late hour, you want me to come to your house and give you a massage? Really? Let me tell you. I am 43 years of age. I am in good physical shape. I work out regularly. I am smart, funny, educated, and I am financially secure. You, on the other hand, are bald, 40 pounds overweight at best, half a foot shorter than me and rude. Good luck in finding your supermodel,” and I got out of his car and walked to mine.

Getting in my car, and pulling out, leaving him sitting there with his car idling, I felt a freedom and release I haven’t felt in years. Dating has many advantages and we can meet some awesome folks. I have met one of my best buddies through online dating. I believe it has its place, but from time to time, you (okay, WE) will meet some real winners. Those who are only looking for one thing…those who have an ulterior motive….those who are not interested in you, as a person or even as a human being. Be strong- ladies AND men (because both genders are guilty of this!) Stick to your guns. Don’t give up! Keep on looking. Ya gotta kiss a lot of frogs to find your Prince/Princess Charming. (All I can say is thank goodness I didn’t have to kiss him!)

Much Love,

Shawn

A Fun Kickoff to the New Year!

….Sigh….

Welcome to a new year! As you have probably guessed, I have not been blogging lately. I decided to take a bit of a break and just enjoy the holiday season. And, to make matters worse, I hurt my hand making it a huge challenge to type. That being said, I am just now back and am excited about this New Year!

On that note, I wanted to recount for you my New Year’s Eve plans and how it all relates to online dating. I attended a New Year’s Eve dance and party, hosted by one of the larger online dating sites here in Atlanta. As with most such events, I do not get my hopes up in meeting someone. I just go in with an open mind and a great attitude. I let the event happen and whoever I meet, I meet. If I meet no one, that is fine too. I am there to enjoy the sights.

Well, I attended with one of my single girlfriends who is over 50. She is NOT an online dater, so I am thinking the novelty of this event with her could strike some interesting perspectives on the scene. And, I was not disappointed!

Prior to attending, I reviewed the statistics of those who signed up to attend the event. On average, the age range was 35 to 50, a nice mix for someone like me and also my friend. If for no other reason, we could take a sampling of our age group and determine is we are faring better than our peers. (Is that bad?) When we arrived, I have to say that we were not only the youngest attendees; we were also the most attractive, put together and polished in the crowd of 400. She and I secured a very good looky-loo location, next to a column right outside the dance floor. We had access and we had the ability to talk quietly over the noise without having to raise our voices. This proved to be very rewarding as the night progressed.

As she stood on one side of the column and I stood on the other, a line literally formed on each side of us. Men would come up and talk, while others hovered nearby, awaiting their turn. As I would wrap up one conversation, another guy would slide in and make his introductions. The same was happening with my friend. I have never seen anything like this in my entire dating life. It is almost as if one man had no regard for another’s conversation with one of us. At one point in the evening, a gentleman interrupted my friend’s conversation with another guy to give her $20. He told her that he had to run to meet someone, but he would be back within the hour and definitely before midnight. He said he wanted to buy her drinks while he was gone. Thank goodness she had the couth to NOT take the money.

As people came up to me, one of the things I did was ask their online user name, and thanks to technology and a Smartphone, I was able to look up their profiles right on the spot! How fun was that?!?! I got to see exactly what people thought of themselves and compared pictures to the person standing directly in front of me. Let me put it like this. When I arrived, I had a full charge. When I left, my battery was dead. Needless to say, I looked everyone one up I possibly could. Now, if you are like me, you want to know exactly how many people matched their profile pictures, right? Here is the number: ZERO!!!

Not one person looked even mildly close to their profile picture. I saw it all! Young pictures, old faces. Thin bodies, chunky (and even obese) waistlines. Youthful smiles, and snarls and unsmiling individuals who appeared scary, let alone approachable.  One guy was absolutely gorgeous online, but as he continued to stand behind me, I could not help but feeling like a stalked deer during the November rut.  I have never seen such a display of egos and misleading individuals in my entire career.

When New Year’s came, of course the $20 guy returned to hover over my friend, and yes, she gave him his new year’s kiss as he expected. I, on the other hand, saved my new year’s kiss….Still am…. It’s something that is important to me and I haven’t found someone to give it to….yet.

So, what is the purpose of this post? Expect nothing at online dating events, because that is probably what you are going to get.

Much love,

Shawn