So? Now what?

So, with all these helpful hints and insightful tips to assist in the online dating process, what exactly do we do when we meet someone who just might be what we are looking for? Well, even in typing such a statement, I somewhat shake my head. I hadn’t thought of that. I mean, I know how to spot a con- trust me; I have had enough of them in my life. I know how to pinpoint an OCD, control freak. Yep, I got that one down to a science. (Run for the hills if you see one, trust me!)  When it comes to highlighting liars, and married men, and guys who are players, I can tell you all kinds of signs and tricks of the dating trade to make sure that you are safe (well, saf-er, how is that?)

The dating a great guy thing, well, that is new to me. So, it’s like you and I are learning that together. What happens when you meet someone who is nice?

·         Someone who looks like their profile and their pictures.

·         Someone who says, “Hey, I am not looking to play around or date a thousand women. I am looking to fall in love and have a relationship. I am only looking for someone who is compatible with me and my lifestyle,” and they mean it.

·         Someone who says what they are going to do and does what they say?

Someone who is….

AS successful as you….

AS funny as you….

AS smart as you….

AS creative and talented as you….

AS family-oriented as you….

AS quirky as you….

AS cool as you….

AS positive as you??????

Heck, now what?

What do we do?

I mean, really, I have been looking for this person for what? 43 years? Ok, I wasn’t looking to date at 4, but I was looking to date at 20, right? So, let’s say 23 years. I have been searching for someone like this for 23, long, bloody, painful, joyous, surprising, educational years. NOW WHAT?

Well, I have that answer- We date. We relax and chill out and just do what comes naturally. I know we want to jump in and try and check on it and see if it is okay and if we need to do something more…or less…or better…or quieter….But, we can’t do that stuff. We have to just allow the relationship to grow. And, it needs to grow at its own speed and on its own terms. We cannot sit there and pick it or analyze it to death. The biggest thing we have to do is to simply have fun.

If you ask some of my friends, they will all tell you that you cannot call within so many days or you cannot text too much or too little or some other idiosyncratic thing that might scare the other person off. I, personally, think that is hogwash. Look, if you want to text them, text them! If you want to call them, call them! Call them because you miss them, NOT if you are checking up on them. There is a difference. If you want to see them, then go see them or ask them to come see you. The bottom line is that you are forming a relationship with this person. If you are one of those who likes a lot of time together, then spend a lot of time together- unless there is something on the calendar that is not normal (like obtaining some certification or a dissertation is coming due or a child that is on spring break). Anything out of the norm takes a bit of patience, but when it comes time for reality- for normal scheduling and activities, this is when you find out if your lifestyles are compatible.

Let me give you a for instance. If he is the type who spends a lot of time alone…or with his friends, that is okay. It’s not that you won’t necessarily connect. You just may. You have to “ease” your way into his life. If she is really busy with volunteer activities and she doesn’t have a lot of free time to give you, which is okay. Express you like to spend time with her and express that you would like both of you to set aside more time together. Just don’t sit there and let it bottle up inside you. Give her (or him) whatever space and time he/she needs to “ease” into the relationship. For me, I gauge this time to be about two months or so, give or take a couple of weeks. If at month three, he/she isn’t setting aside a good portion of time for “us stuff,” you may have an issue on your hands. It’s possible that person just doesn’t have the need or desire to spend more than a couple of days a month with you. It’s possible. However, if you are communicating regularly and expressing what you want and need, this should come as no surprise to them that you want more time.

Here is my best advice to you. Communicate. Talk about things. Don’t be afraid to tell the other person that you miss them. Do it kindly and with a clear desire to have a stronger relationship. Give the other person a chance. And, giving a chance means giving them time to ease into the relationship. I say this word because when you do a head dive into that pool of love, sometimes you smack your noggin’ on the bottom if you aren’t in deep enough water. For the most part, we are all adults looking to find love. And, we all have adult lives- which means we are balancing kids and soccer and school and career and church and exercise and…and…and…. When you throw another person into the mix, things get complicated. Work together to smooth these wrinkles out. In the end, the relationship will be much calmer and easier.