Following Up

Suffice it to say; when it comes to dating I am not always the most trusting person in the world. Granted, I am neither cynical nor jaded. I consider myself to simply “not be stupid” about it, which brings me to today’s post. Following up.

When I was a young girl, I used to sit and fanaticize as if I were a damsel in distress. And, along would come a big strong, shining knight. Riding at full bore on his white steed, he could crash through the gates of the fortress holding me captive. Within seconds, he would have slain the aggressor, freed me of my bondage and would have swept me away, sitting side-saddle with my flowing blonde hair blowing in the breeze. He would hold me close and never, ever let me go.

Although those days are long gone, I still have my moments of being swept away from the harsh reality of daily life as a single mom, working a full time job, trying to stay ahead of the normalcy we call life (bills, debt, car repair, landscaping, etc.). So, when I find I have met someone online through this match.com or POF.com or whatever site being used, I hide my profile. The way I see it, if I am falling for someone or I see the potential in falling for someone, there is no sense in muddying the water (or wasting my or some other guy’s time) while trying to find a connection. And, anyway, if you think you have some potential, why would you want to keep dating other men? Bottom line, I want to see if “this” is going to work, right? No sense in having all these distractions keeping me from that, so I hide my profile.

When I hide my profile, I usually tell the person with whom I am dating. No, I am not asking them to hide theirs as well, although it is a good sign when they step up to voluntarily do so. What I am doing is letting them know my intentions, which usually sparks a dialogue of these intentions. In doing this, however, I have learned- sadly- that not everyone is to be trusted. In telling another that I have taken down my profile, I guess that is an indicator that we are all a-go. Let the mad rush of dating begin. For in these instances, I have found that almost immediately, my new focus may begin a free-wheeling, online dating adventure, without bounds or restrictions.

In one instance, I took down my profile for several weeks. When we decided to date exclusively, I told this person that I was contacting the online company and having my account closed. He (appeared) ecstatic! He said, in fact, “I think I will do the same!” Little did he know, I had prepaid for my account for another month. Although my profile would not be posted or viewable any longer, I did have all account privileges- one of them being, reviewing profiles. So, low and behold, on a whim, I decided to go into the online site, conduct a quick search on his user name, and found he was back at it: Active, dating, and (at that moment) ONLINE NOW!

Although I have come to expect it, my heart sank a bit, but for reasons you may not know or understand. It’s not that I was madly in love or crushed over his activity. For me, it is a sad and growing knowledge that more people than I care to acknowledge are simply NOT looking for a true relationship. Furthermore, this dating thing- it’s all a big game. The thrill of the hunt. The excitement of the catch.

So, what do I do in such a situation? Well, I have choices, as do you. First, I can blow a valve and demand an explanation. This only ends in an argument or me looking irrational. Bottom line, relationships are severed and both of us walk with a bad taste in our mouths. This is never an option for me. (You, however, can choose to react any way you wish).

The next choice is to simply say nothing, knowing that he is still out there. Let him be. Let him do what he needs to do. In the end, if it is meant to be, it will be. However, my only question to you is, “Can you get over the betrayal? The Lie? Or, do you even consider it a lie?” That is a question only you can answer. After all, you are the one who has to live with the decision, correct?

The last choice is to simply ‘fade to black.’ You know how I love that phrase!  Simply slip away. Respond to a text or two, answer a call or two, and maybe write an email, but for the most part, you simply cease to exist in his world. You just move on. Often times, this is the hardest choice you have to make, but it also gives you the control and the power, which some people may tend to argue is not true. It is, though. You are the one with the knowledge. You are the one who caught him. You are the one making the decision to slip away in the night. And, put yourself in their shoes. One day, things are ducky and you are planning an exclusive future together. Obviously, they got something out of that, right? Otherwise, why would they have ventured down that path with you. Then, the next day, you are simply gone. No reason, no explanation, nothing. You just vanish. It leaves him wondering exactly what did he do? What went wrong? And, if he is the insecure type (which my opinion he is if he is doing such sneaky activities), his insecurities come to fester- nagging him that, once again, his deficiencies have cost him someone cool.

So, readers, it’s not my place to tell you what to do. It is my place to share my experiences with you, relay what I have done to offset these, and help you in any way I can to prevent such things reoccurring in your own life.

With all my love… Much, much muchness,

Shawn