Whether it is my career choice or my academic training or my innate intuition, I have this inner voice that tells me when something just ‘ain’t’ right. For years, I have tried to squelch that voice or logically explain its message away. Certainly, this cannot be true or I am being too sensitive. Maybe what he is telling me is true. He cannot possibly be lying to me, right? Well, at 43, I have learned through numerous mistakes, far too many to recount or even attempt to tally, that my inner voice usually holds some modicum of truth. Today, when I get that feeling that something just ain’t right, I may not know the details, but I listen to it.
Until recently, I have applied this inner awareness to just about every aspect of my life: career, faith, ethical choices, friend selection, etc. with one exception, my dating life. In dating, there are words I have used to explain away that inner, gut feeling. Words like…..
……illogical…...paranoid..….sensitive..….over-analytical…jaded…insecure…
I have used these words to explain why I am feeling something that just doesn’t seem right. He is a good guy and didn’t mean to hurt my feelings, right? I am simply being sensitive….. Or, oh, he isn’t dating around behind my back. I am being paranoid. Fast forward four or five months, and yes, I learn he is cheating on me….or that yes, he is a jerk and simply has no idea about being responsible in a dating relationship. The lesson to this is to never, ever ignore that inner voice. If you think something isn’t right, well, you may not know what isn’t right or you may not know who isn’t telling the truth or you do not know how things went down, but something simply isn’t right.
To me, the specifics are of no consequence.
And, since it has taken years for this to sink in with me, I have some interesting tails of “certainly this isn’t happening” situations. Here are a few:
1) Secret accounts: I have learned that some men (one of my best guy friends being one of them) have secret online dating accounts. They are duplicate accounts with a different user name. Sometimes they have pictures, sometimes not. These accounts allow them to date someone “exclusively” (and I am using that word loosely here, LOL) while continuing to “keep their options open” should things not work out with you. (Yes, readers, that was the explanation I was given).
2) Sleeping Child: The Sleeping Child excuse is one of the oldies but goodies. [text]“Sweetie, I cannot call you because my son is sleeping next to me.” Uh, let’s change that around to “Sweetie, I cannot call you because my wife is asleep next to me.” Ah, that’s better.
3) The Last Minute Date: The last minute date, in and of itself, is not such a big deal. BUT, if all he ever does is ask for a last minute date that is a HUGE red flag blowing in the wind. That tells me wifey (or girlfriend, take your pick) stepped out at the last minute, which gives him an excellent opportunity to ‘step out’ himself.
4) Tick Tock Time: So, he cannot ever give you a time. For example, he has to take the kids home on a Sunday night (you know, visitation is over). He wants to see you afterwards. Cool! So, he says to keep your schedule loose for Sunday evening.
6 PM, you text, “Any ETA?”
“Not yet. Have to call my ex. Will get back with you! Cannot wait to see you tonight!”
7:30 PM, “What’s the word?”
“Don’t know. Packing to go back.”
8 PM, “Do you want me to head your way yet?”
“I am driving them now. Will let you know.”
8:30 PM, “Are you there?”
“Still in car.”
9:30 PM, “Can you estimate what time we can get together?”
“I am driving. I have to get the kids home. Will call when I can!!!!!”
10:30 PM, “Name, there is no way you are still driving. What is going on?”
“I am being honest and I do not appreciate your accusing me of lying. I had to pack and get the kids ready. And then drive them home. This is something I have been doing for three years and it just takes a while. If this is going to work, you need to learn to be patient. My kids are my priority, not dating. I do want to see you though.”
***Ok, readers, do not sit there and think, “She is crazy to have kept texting with him.” Trust me, I knew something was up at 7:30 PM. Seriously, what parent doesn’t know the approximate time the kids are supposed to be back at their mothers? I kept the dialogue going while shopping and then over appetizers at Sage Restaurant near the Perimeter Mall, with a girlfriend. We would talk, forget for a moment about him, then return to the text dialogue. By 8 PM, I was bored with it, but my girlfriend (who is married) was really into it. She kept returning to my cell. I guess this was her vicarious way of living the single life, LOL. Eventually, even she became bored. Bottom line, I ended up telling the guy I wasn’t interested. End of story.***
5) Emergency: So, you are on the date and then his cell jingles or vibrates or downright rings. He “has to take this. It’s one of the kids!” He steps out and takes the call. Within a few moments, he comes back and says that he needs to leave. If it happens once, well, I you certainly understand. But, if this is a repeat situation, it’s not normal. I guess it is possible he has a child with enormous issues which require interrupting his evenings repeatedly, but even if that is the case, is that something you really want in your life anyway?
In all of this, the message is clear: If something doesn’t seem to be right, honey, it isn’t. Listen to your gut. Listen to your inner self.
Let me get deep for a moment. People call it a lot of things. Some say they are psychic. Some say they have a sixth sense. Some say they are naturally intuitive, like an animal instinct. I say that God has placed an inner voice of discernment in each of us. The Bible talks about this, in fact, both in the Old AND the New Testaments. The New Testament even goes on to say there is a highly developed level of discernment that some have. It is listed as gift of the Holy Spirit.
Whatever you personally call it….whatever you believe it is or isn’t, you need to listen to it. Rarely do I go out on a limb and tell you what you need to do. In this instance, however, I firmly believe you need to listen to that inner voice, especially when dating.
It is telling you the truth. It is showing you the safe path, the best path.
Much love,
Shawn
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