The Profile Opening Line

As someone who has been online dating for a number of years (for fun, entertainment, true dating interest and even scientific study), I have found reading profiles one of the most entertaining of all tasks. Yes, these are tasks, as in chores, not the adventure of discovery. I have found there are the same ‘ole, same ‘ole opening lines in just about each and every one that I read. Granted, there are some who have the knack for writing and therefore attempt to present the same material differently, but in the end, most profile opening lines are the same….for the most part.

The most common of all the same ‘ole, same ‘ole’s include:

·         Well, a friend finally talked me into doing this…..

·         I thought I would give this a try….

·         Some friends of mine have actually found their spouse on this thing, so I am going to do it….

·         I hate talking about myself, so here goes….

Literally, these are almost verbatim quotes that have been used so frequently, they have entered eminent domain. They have been used so frequently, I often wonder if there is some ledger of opening lines or suggested opening lines on some cheat sheet that no one has told me about. When I stumble upon such lines, my response is almost always the same- Roll my eyes and move onto the next profile. Geesh, is there no one creative? Or, worse, honest? Yawn!

Opening lines are often hard, that I give you. And, in writing your profile, starting the thing is like the 20,000 lb. phone. Ya just can’t pick it up. I get that. Trust me! So, what are you to do? Let me make this easy for you. The first thing you need to do, and yes, I said the word “need,” is to open a Word document (or whatever you use for scripting letters, etc.). Open it and begin there, NOT in the Write About Yourself section of your profile. Give yourself space and time. I know you are all fired up with getting your profile “out there,” but this takes time. As much as getting ready to go out on a Saturday evening should take you more than ten minutes to prepare, you need to invest that same about of time in your profile.

Listen, quality people, the ones you are trying meet, they are reading your profile, ok? If you do not put any thought into it or if you just throw something up there, people will notice. It’s like in Marketing; we teach that it is often better to not advertise versus advertising incorrectly or inefficiently. That concept applies here more than anywhere. You are marketing yourself for a life partner, or so we/I hope. So, take the time and give yourself some latitude in tweaking your opening line to something catchy.

One thing I do, especially when writing in general, is to just start. No one says what you type first has to stay first, ok? So, start typing. You might find out that halfway down the page, your opening line just surfaces. And, there is this handy dandy trick when you use word of “cutting and pasting.” You can simply cut a catchy phrase out and paste it at the beginning of your profile.

So, hypothetically, you have done all this, right? And, you are still stuck. Gotcha. Here are some things you can do:

1.       Go to an online site, such as Google. Search for catchy quotes that grab who you are. Some examples may include, searching for “quotes about having fun” or “quotes about life being an adventure.” Just try it and see what pops up. Make sure you include the originator of the quote, otherwise that is plagiarism.

2.       Write a quippy phrase about your primary profile picture. If you have a picture of yourself on a beach, sipping a cooler, you could say, “What I wouldn’t give to be back there, right this second. I love the beach and am a true water baby….” There you go. You have an opening line. Catchy, creative, and ties directly into your overall profile theme.

3.       Be direct/honest. (That does not mean wishy washy or weak in your statement). Come out and say what you are doing online. “I am here to find….” Or “I am looking for….”

4.       Say who you are. “I have a great life! And, I am looking for someone to share it with!”

5.       And, not to be removed from this idea of profile opening lines, let me give you my most recent opening line. It states, “As I am someone who has been single awhile now, I have come to believe dating is rather like gathering water in the palm of your hands.....while you are busy gathering droplets, the good stuff is slipping through your fingers. Serial dating, a growing phenomenon in the online world is more of a distraction than an opportunity to increase the odds of finding a mate, and its one thing I do not do.” To me, it is addressing an online issue that, I believe, we are all having to deal with. You would not believe how many people email me, just to say that I have this online dating thing nailed. (Funny they should say that, since I am STILL SINGLE!!!)

In the end, your opening line is there to grab someone's attention. Once you feel comfortable with it, post it. And, then go back...day in and day out... and review it. Do not feel afraid to change it, again and again. You WILL get it right, I promise!

Much Love,

Shawn

It's all Who Ya Know

It’s a small world after all. It’s a small world after all. It’s a small world after all. It’s a small, small world.

The words have never rang as true as they do today, given the wonderful story I have to share with you all. Okay, some names, dates, events and sequences have been modified to protect the innocent. In doing so, some of the ‘not-so-innocent’ are also being protected. In reality, I feel like creating a website, www.badguysyouneedtoavoid.com. BUT, alas, I won’t do that. So, with a sigh and a flick of my hair, I move on.

As many of you know, I enjoy the process of discovery and the getting to know you (The King and I) process with dating. That, to me, is the scientific aspect of this and also behavioral study. Examining individuals and their backgrounds, looking for traits and indicative behaviors, even sensing subtle pauses or hesitations in speech can add worlds of insight into the unknown. But, man, there is nothing like having a gut feeling about someone and then finding direct, irrefutable proof that your “Picker” is spot on. That, my dearest of readers, is exactly what happened to me the other day.

So, a wonderful gentleman, okay, this really cool dude, gave me a nod. My initial thought was whether or not I could add another to the roster. I mean, really, isn’t my plate already full? Well, I wasn’t so keen on this roster and was thinking I should probably just chuck it altogether, but no, I will ride this train to the final depot; however I was kinda bored with the existing list, right? And, the leader of the roster was giving me issues. He was unavailable and detached at times (and then intensely engaged the next moment), and I just had this…..feeling? This gut sense that sumptin just wasn’t right. And, if you recall previous posts, that gut is ALWAYS right, right?  So, okay. Let’s focus on him for a second.

Looking at education, profession, writing style, articulation and verbiage use, oh, and then pictures, I soon realized, “Hm. Nice. Maybe I should nod back,” so I did. Fast forward a couple of days and a few emails and texts later, and I was chatting up a storm with a promising connection, named Larry. (So much for Mr. Detached, right?)

As we often do, Larry and I played the “Who do you know” game, and we soon learned that we know many, many of the same people. (Yes, Larry is NOT his real name). We talked about our work histories and those with whom we have come into contact. We talked about our colleges and those with whom we have come into contact. We talked about our fitness regimen and those with whom we have come into contact. We talked about our neighborhoods and those with whom we have come into contact….. And, then….. Ohhhh, and then… He says to me, “Yeah, I am surprised at how many people live around me who travel over an hour and a half to work. You would think they would live closer, and these are professionals too, like executives, attorneys, doctors, bank executives. It makes no sense.” (Titles are changed to protect the innocent).

“Bank executives? Did you say bank executives?”

“Oh, yeah. There are several who live in my area.”

“Wow. That is interesting, Larry. I have dated a bank executive or two in the last few months, actually.”

“Well, as long as your bank executive’s name isn’t John Doe, you should be fine! LOL”

Wait a second. Did Larry just say John Doe? Nooooo….. As Larry continued to chat, I sat there dumbfounded. Larry stopped talking. He asked if I was okay. I came to.

“Larry, did you say John Doe?”

“Oh, no. Don’t tell me you know him.”

“John Doe? The bank Executive? Lives in XYZ City?”

“Yep. Married to Jane Doe, a loving and devoted wife. Two little girls. Hmmm…. Those girls must be 17 and 20 by now? Yes, he has a reputation for being a player.”

“STILL married? Did you say he is still married? With two little girls?”

“Oh, Shawn, are you telling me that you know him?”

“John Doe who plays cello? John Doe who is a triathlete?” (Yes, details changed).

“The one and the same.”

“You know, Larry, THIS is why women are jaded. This is it. Luckily, I have only had a lunch date with him and have only talked and texted with him, but this really makes me angry. This guy has cancelled and rescheduled on me multiple times. He rarely picks up his phone and it takes at least twenty plus minutes, actually up to a full day, to get him to respond to my texts. NO WONDER! He is married!”

Yes, folks, John Doe was, is, and forever shall be married. Needless to say, I did not talk with him again. My only communication with him was to text him “Shame, shame, shame on you” for all he has done. Although he has no idea what I am “shaming” him about, or maybe he does, I did not even feel the need to reach out to elaborate further.

What a sad, sad world we live in….. And, no, I am not saying all men are this way nor am I saying that only men do these things, but who can you trust? When someone (male or female) go to the lengths of placing a PUBLIC ad, with pictures, online, to add you to their Facebook, to openly meet and attempt to date you, with no fear of recrimination, what does that say about the state of ethical values and morality in our society?

Feedback Wanted: Define "We"

Ok, this is a quick hit....  Went to lunch. GREAT lunch, by the way. During the conversation, my date says, "We took the girls hiking" and he begins to tell me a story. I cannot recall anything other than that first line, "We took the girls hiking."

I looked at him.

"Who is 'we?'"

"Me and the girls."

"No, you said 'we took' them somewhere."

I meant the three of us. Me and the girls.

Ok, dearest of readers. What do YOU think? Who is "we?"

Thoughts?

Feel free to respond to shawndobson2010@gmail.com. If you agree in the body of the email, I will post (anonomously, of course) some of your comments.

Much love,

Shawn (....sigh....this is getting old, isn't it?)

A Dating Mishap

One of the funniest things happened to me on a date I had not so long ago. After a wonderful meeting over a cup of coffee, my newly made friend and I decided to part ways. Being a true gentleman, he walked me to my vehicle, a new, soft-top Jeep, with a self-start feature on the key. It made me feel cool to start my vehicle from across the parking lot. Thought I would show off a little.

So, with my car warming up, saying goodbyes, I opened my driver door and placed my keys in the ignition. As we chatted, unbeknownst to me, the driver door started to close….slowly….quietly…. Saying goodbye for the last time, I turned to open my car door and found it was locked. “Be cool, Shawn.” My date saw the totally uncool, cool look on my face. Being direct, “Yep. Door is locked, but no worries. Zip-off windows! Ah ha!” So, I unzipped my driver’s side back window, stuck my hand in and proceeded to pull on the door handle from the inside. CRAP! Child safety locks. I could not open the freakin’ door!

Looking at my date in terror, I said that there was only one way to do this, and no, he will not be privy to seeing it. I had to CRAWL into the back window, over a row bar and over the back seat, balance on the console and then hop into the front seat, thus opening the door. Did I mention that the space was a little over a foot wide and that I am almost six feet tall? Did I mention I was wearing a TIGHT skirt that hit me mid-thigh? Did I mention I was wearing four inch heels? Dear goodness, this is NOT going to be pretty.

So, I said, “Please go to your car.”

“But, what if you need help?”

“Trust me; I will call a tow truck before I let you witness this.”

He must have seen the fortified strength in my eyes, because he didn’t even argue. So, like a puppy with his tail between his legs, he went to his car and never looked back. I kicked off my shoes, hiked up my skirt and proceeded to crawl, feet first, into the teeny window. I fell (gracefully, I might add) into the second row seat, hitched my leg over the passenger seat, and pushed myself into the driver’s seat, butt-first. Phew, I made it.

I opened the door, took the keys out and kept them in my hand. I got out, hose-footed, and zipped the window back up. I grabbed my things that I had left on the ground and high-tailed it outta there. Within seconds, I received a text from my date that said, “THAT was hysterical” .

So, my dear readers, it appears that not only am I graceful and agile in the dating arena, I also have a backup plan to be a cat burglar should this psychology stuff not work out.

So? Now what?

So, with all these helpful hints and insightful tips to assist in the online dating process, what exactly do we do when we meet someone who just might be what we are looking for? Well, even in typing such a statement, I somewhat shake my head. I hadn’t thought of that. I mean, I know how to spot a con- trust me; I have had enough of them in my life. I know how to pinpoint an OCD, control freak. Yep, I got that one down to a science. (Run for the hills if you see one, trust me!)  When it comes to highlighting liars, and married men, and guys who are players, I can tell you all kinds of signs and tricks of the dating trade to make sure that you are safe (well, saf-er, how is that?)

The dating a great guy thing, well, that is new to me. So, it’s like you and I are learning that together. What happens when you meet someone who is nice?

·         Someone who looks like their profile and their pictures.

·         Someone who says, “Hey, I am not looking to play around or date a thousand women. I am looking to fall in love and have a relationship. I am only looking for someone who is compatible with me and my lifestyle,” and they mean it.

·         Someone who says what they are going to do and does what they say?

Someone who is….

AS successful as you….

AS funny as you….

AS smart as you….

AS creative and talented as you….

AS family-oriented as you….

AS quirky as you….

AS cool as you….

AS positive as you??????

Heck, now what?

What do we do?

I mean, really, I have been looking for this person for what? 43 years? Ok, I wasn’t looking to date at 4, but I was looking to date at 20, right? So, let’s say 23 years. I have been searching for someone like this for 23, long, bloody, painful, joyous, surprising, educational years. NOW WHAT?

Well, I have that answer- We date. We relax and chill out and just do what comes naturally. I know we want to jump in and try and check on it and see if it is okay and if we need to do something more…or less…or better…or quieter….But, we can’t do that stuff. We have to just allow the relationship to grow. And, it needs to grow at its own speed and on its own terms. We cannot sit there and pick it or analyze it to death. The biggest thing we have to do is to simply have fun.

If you ask some of my friends, they will all tell you that you cannot call within so many days or you cannot text too much or too little or some other idiosyncratic thing that might scare the other person off. I, personally, think that is hogwash. Look, if you want to text them, text them! If you want to call them, call them! Call them because you miss them, NOT if you are checking up on them. There is a difference. If you want to see them, then go see them or ask them to come see you. The bottom line is that you are forming a relationship with this person. If you are one of those who likes a lot of time together, then spend a lot of time together- unless there is something on the calendar that is not normal (like obtaining some certification or a dissertation is coming due or a child that is on spring break). Anything out of the norm takes a bit of patience, but when it comes time for reality- for normal scheduling and activities, this is when you find out if your lifestyles are compatible.

Let me give you a for instance. If he is the type who spends a lot of time alone…or with his friends, that is okay. It’s not that you won’t necessarily connect. You just may. You have to “ease” your way into his life. If she is really busy with volunteer activities and she doesn’t have a lot of free time to give you, which is okay. Express you like to spend time with her and express that you would like both of you to set aside more time together. Just don’t sit there and let it bottle up inside you. Give her (or him) whatever space and time he/she needs to “ease” into the relationship. For me, I gauge this time to be about two months or so, give or take a couple of weeks. If at month three, he/she isn’t setting aside a good portion of time for “us stuff,” you may have an issue on your hands. It’s possible that person just doesn’t have the need or desire to spend more than a couple of days a month with you. It’s possible. However, if you are communicating regularly and expressing what you want and need, this should come as no surprise to them that you want more time.

Here is my best advice to you. Communicate. Talk about things. Don’t be afraid to tell the other person that you miss them. Do it kindly and with a clear desire to have a stronger relationship. Give the other person a chance. And, giving a chance means giving them time to ease into the relationship. I say this word because when you do a head dive into that pool of love, sometimes you smack your noggin’ on the bottom if you aren’t in deep enough water. For the most part, we are all adults looking to find love. And, we all have adult lives- which means we are balancing kids and soccer and school and career and church and exercise and…and…and…. When you throw another person into the mix, things get complicated. Work together to smooth these wrinkles out. In the end, the relationship will be much calmer and easier.

BLOG_March 2012

So, in a period of two days, I have had SIX (not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, but six) people comment that I have not submitted any work on my blog. Yes, my dear friends, you are correct. I have been quite busy. As my Facebook friends are well aware, some time ago I entered into Hope counseling training, which has occupied so much of my personal time. Introspectively, this has been one of the best personal exercises. As this blog solely refers to dating, I am a bit off center to fully address the training program and the impact it has made on me as a whole. However, as it relates to dating, it has caused me to- once again-reexamine my motivation and purpose as it relates to relationships.  Simply put, “What the heck am I doing?!?!?!”

So, let me update you. I am pretty sure this will not be the happy-go-lucky post you are accustomed to, but it does assist you in getting to know me better….and also understanding why I say (and do) some of the things I say (and do). More than anything, it lets you know the motivation behind my detailed dating analysis- both on myself and the subject in general.

Hope makes us take an introspective look into the audio clips that run in our heads. We examine the patterned behaviors that were laid out before us as children, forming how we view relationships. Specifically, how did our mothers “act” as wives? What did our mother’s nurturing ability (or lack thereof) “do” to our own ability to form and maintain relationships in our own loves? How did our fathers “act” as husbands and dads? How were our siblings treated, versus the messages that were laid out to us in comparison? Again, what is the “Mother Audio Clip?” What is the “Dad’s Sound-bite” that we hear every time we speak with our significant other?

We find that what our mother’s value in a relationship….and what our father’s respond best to…often forms what we look for as adults. So, if you mom is looking to marry rich and your dad was looking for eye-candy, well, let me tell ya what’s in store for you…. However, if your mom was a stay at home mom who nurtured you and cared lovingly for your father, and your father treated her as his princess, then you have a diametrically opposed dating (and ultimately, marriage) life ahead of you.

Whether we admit it or not….whether we are trying to assign blame to someone other than ourselves…whether we are trying to justify our behavior and how it has affected someone in our lives, these things do affect us- at varying degrees- in current relationships. Pervasiveness, inclusion, compassion, punishments/rewards, explanations for intentional acts and many more factors not addressed here determine the degree to which these affect us as adults and how we come to form (and keep) relationships as adults. The excuse, “I did the best I could” just doesn’t cut it.

So, Hope swoops in and says that all these things are “in the flesh” and to find true peace, we can only look away from things of this earth for self-worth and righteousness. We cannot “do” anything to fix us…them…others…the world…life in general…save our soul (or someone else’s, for that matter). We have to simply allow Him into our lives and we act THROUGH and BY our personal God, taking our earthy definitions- and self- out of the equation. These are the concepts I am entrusted to teach others, and while going through this training, it is greatly impacting me.  As a once participant, and now instructor, Hope has brought me out of the darkness and into the light, liberating me from the confines of earthly enslavement. I hope to offer Hope to others, as I am led.

That is my 30-second elevator speech.  Brief, truncated, and missing tons and tons of meat, but you get the general idea.

As I have somewhat been stagnant on the dating home front for months of late, I have reentered this battlefield with the greatest of caution, holding my breath not to step on any forgotten landmines that so often frequent my- actually all of our- past. One here, one there, a date is something I undertake with patience and focus. I do not take them on so lackadaisically any longer. Today, I am looking for something of substance, not that I wasn’t before; however, I tolerated (if that is the right word to use) a lot of nonsense. And, even though I am not militant, I am sticking to my guns in terms of what I will or will not allow.  (Just go with the battlefield analogy. It’s funny).

Simply put, I have come to realize my time IS extremely valuable- foremost to my son, but also to the people I serve. If I carve out time for a date, however serious (or not), it had better not be taken for granted, by myself OR them. Again, dear readers, I am not being militant, but come on now. The line forms to the left, got me? If Subject A doesn’t want to muster up the courage to be sincere, there is a Subject B, C, D…..who will.

So, hopefully, I will resume my comical postings and get back to the fun at heart. I simply wanted you to know where I have been and what I have been up to!

Much Love,

Shawn