I have been in several situations where a new online contact wants to immediately schedule a meeting, although they call this a first date. I am very apprehensive in doing this if I have not had at least one complete phone conversation between us. If I had my own preference, I would have at least three calls prior to the actual meeting. (And, if I am picking up on anything that just doesn’t ‘feel’ right, I might have more). Unless there are red flags, however if you have more than that, you are investing your time in a person with whom you may or may not click in-person. Let’s just call it what it is. My first phone call is a phone screen.
So, my advice to you is this. Have your calls. Get a general idea if this person has the same conversational pentameter as you. See if there is a rapport. See if their conversation supports what their profile is reflecting. If so, you may want to consider proceeding to The Meeting. My words of caution are to not extend scheduling that first meeting too long after initial contact.
There are other items you should pay close attention to during the phone connection process. From your own perspective, do not be too quick to offer your number. Let some electronic exchange take place. If you are thinking that the writing is becoming excessive, offer to give your number- even going so far as to say you want it so you can text easier. (And, from my perspective, if they don’t have a text plan or a phone that supports texting, I would ask myself exactly what century does this person live in?) I highly do not recommend offering your home or work number. In doing this, you are opening your personal and professional life up for stalkers or invasion of privacy or worse. As I have said many times, think safety!
Women, let him call you. I hear non-fundamentalists clicking and clacking away on their keyboards already. No, it is not “his place” to make that initial contact, nor is it in support of the anti-women’s movement if she sits quietly by and waits for the phone to ring. Naturally, men have a primal desire to be needed. Women have a primal need to feel secure. When a man is the one taking the assertive step, he is acting in his nature, going so far as to think, “She needs me to call.” So, call her! Women, especially strong women (ok, I am talking to myself here), just relax and stop trying to run everything. This is one area of your life where you can CHOOSE to let someone else lead the charge.
If I may, let me speak to the females here, ok? Look, for those of you who know me, if there is one thing I am NOT its docile, demure, quiet or timid. When it comes to the male/female thing, however, I let ‘my man’ do his ‘thang.’ Let a man make the call. Let him get the door for you once in a while. It makes him feel in control for a second and, well, it lets you feel pampered. Ladies, we need a bit of that in today’s world of single moms, divorce, balancing mommy-hood with career with life…. Just chill and relinquish the reigns for a brief second. Trust me, you might just relax and enjoy it.
So, back to the call! Pay attention to everything. Here are some things I pay attention to. Now, as you may very well notice quickly, I am referring to HIM, as this is MY blog and I am heterosexual. Sorry, but I like the other team’s equipment, if you get my drift. If you are a male, substitute words with a male gender for female. If you are a homosexual male, well, just leave it the way it is. No, I am not making a female’s personal commentary and assault on men and how they treat women. Good god! This is crazy! Geesh!
This is my perspective only. Here is my list:
1) When does he call? If he only calls during work hours or late, late at night or early in the morning, this could be a red flag. Specifically, is he calling while wife is in the tub or after wife goes to bed? Can he not call you during normal evening hours, possibly after a normal bedtime for a child?
2) What is the background noise? Is he standing in the shower? Does he only call from his car? Is he trying to keep his voice down? All of these could mean he is trying to talk with you without drawing attention from a live-in girlfriend or wife. My favorite situation is the guy who would drop his kids off at school and then call on his way to work (or back to the house). The second I heard the garage door open up, he jumped off the phone. Ironically, when I would call him back, he would never answer. Amazingly, he had a stay-at-home wife. Hmmmm….
3) Can you call him, and when you do call him, does he pick up? My concern is if he does not pick up, waits ten minutes or so, and then calls you back, that may mean he is stepping away from his family life to make a call to a little sumptin-sumptin on the side (a/k/a YOU). I have had situations where the guy never, ever picked up his phone, and low and behold, he was married.
4) Does he slur his words, especially late in the evening? Granted, we can all be a bit tired, especially if we are awoken while dozing on the couch, but does he ever snap to or does he remain slurred? Trust me, he may have had a bit too much to drink. Although this, in and of itself, is not necessarily an issue on a one-time basis. If it is prolonged and repeated, you may be dealing within someone who has a drinking (or worse, DRUG) problem.
5) Aesthetically, can you carry on a conversation with him? I have this huge problem. I am a talker! When a conversation starts to lag, I can immediately jump in and start talking about anything. I could talk my way out of a box, literally, but this does me a huge disservice. Is there rapport because I am carrying the conversation OR is there rapport because we truly have a lot in common to talk about? If I don’t SHUT UP, I won’t be able to determine that…. So, for all of you- men and women- who are like me, please, with kindness, SHUT UP. Give him (or her) some airtime! See if there is a real connection or are you simply falling in love with your own words coming out of your own mouth.
6) Not only listen to what he is saying, listen to what he is NOT saying. This is a conversational skill. People naturally avoid unpleasant subjects or facts about themselves that make them appear in a negative light. If you happen to ask a direct question, pay attention if you receive a direct answer or is the response a deflection. A similar response is to respond with another question. Let me give you an example.
a. ME: Looks like we belong to the same club, Divorced members only, huh? (laugh) So, how long have you been divorced?
b. HIM: (Laughing) Oh yeah, it’s been a crazy ride, hasn’t it? I thought I was never going to get past all of it. My attorney was great, though. He was able to put together an agreement that worked out in both our interests. How was your attorney?
Although this may be a natural flow to a conversation, do not overlook the fact that he did not answer the question as to how long he has been divorced. At some time, you need to circle back- in a very SUBTLE manner- and ensure you get that question answered. Like I said, this is a conversational skill.
7) Pay close attention to his choice of words (we versus I). Ask innocuous questions, like “So, what did you do today?” or “What kind of trouble did you get into today?” If he responds, “WE went to the movies” or “I was cleaning out our garage,” it is possible he may be in a relationship already. Ladies (and gentlemen), do not be afraid to respond, “Who is ‘we’?” You have a right to know these things.
8) Avoid certain subjects. This includes politics or religion or money. When it is appropriate for this information to be discussed, it will naturally happen.
9) Be original. Don’t ask the same ole questions. With online dating, we all have a tendency to ask the same questions over and again to our prospective dates. Here are some of the oldies but goodies that I try to avoid:
a. How long have you been on XYZ.com Dating site?
b. Tell me your online dating horror stories.
c. Has this site been successful for you?
d. How many sites are you on?
e. How many women are you talking with right now?
f. Are you serious about finding a girlfriend or just playing around? (You have a right to this information but this is not the way to get it. Anyway, what do you think he is going to say? “Oh, yes, I am just looking to get laid. Thank you for asking.”
Here are some creative questions or conversation starters:
a. So, tell me what attracted you to my profile? (Honestly, if he cannot answer this question, he only looked at your pictures and decided to contact you. I’m just sayin).
b. If you had to pick one thing that struck you as unusual in my profile, what would it be? (I have actually had someone say, “Your boobs.” I literally choked on my water. Ladies, it happens. At least he was honest).
c. Comment on his profile- activities, pictures, or items of interest. (Likewise, if you have no idea what his profile says, odds are, you are only interested in HIS chest! Again, I’m just sayin).
10) Don’t make it feel like an interview- keep it light. I have gotten off the phone on more than one occasion and have felt like I just suffered through a second round of The Great Inquisition. Or, worse, I got off the phone and I had broken out in a cold sweat! I felt thoroughly probed! Don’t make the phone call seem like it’s a do-or-die situation. This is a time to have fun and explore each other’s profiles and interests to see if the relationship is a match. Don’t make it appear to be like work.
So, with a list of phone call do’s and don’ts under your belt, go make that call! Have fun with it. Remember, dating should be fun and this phone call is all a part of the dating process. If you are not having fun, you are not doing it the right way OR you are taking this WAY too seriously.
Relax! Enjoy! And Chill out!
Much love,
Shawn
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