The Meeting

THE MEETING

There are so many places to begin when we address online dating; I thought I would start in the middle. Depending on how it goes, we can either work forward or backward.  Where the rubber hits the road is The Meeting. The reality is, until you meet, you cannot truly ascertain whether or not an individual you have met online is someone with whom you are going to connect. Even then, whether or not you will have an ongoing connection is debatable.

Therefore, until you do meet, you have to rely on email, texting and phone conversations, and each of them can be deceptive in truly knowing the person with whom you are speaking. My opinion is this, when it comes to texting, we insert our own intonation, our own feelings and even our own emotions.  Take the word, “great” as an example. Great can mean, GREAT!! (as in an excellent thing!) Great can mean great (as in sarcastic and despondent). Great can also be stated with a sigh, as in exasperation. If you are hungrily wishing for a girlfriend, you may read a positive reaction when a negative one is the actual response. The good thing about texting is the response is immediate, so if emotion-based words are used, they may be a knee-jerk reaction, which could be truer to the real individual’s personality.

Email can be both similar and very different than texting. Again, the Insert-Emotion-Here dynamic is happening, so truly seeing the individual for who they really are is debatable. There is a dangerous aspect of email that many do not realize. Email can be carefully scripted and edited. True emotional reactions can be deleted or replaced, and a second set of eyes can even assist in sculpting responses.  You may not even be communicating with the the actual intended person.

Keep in mind, as well, the duplication factor. The duplication factor is where someone has sculpted a very well-planned email, and this email is copied and pasted over and over and over again to one woman after another. If you are like me, you may be asking yourself how would she truly know that, for sure, right? Well, after several years of being an online dating guinea pig, I have had recycled emails come back to me, and this has happened more than once or twice. Literally, this one individual wrote me a beautiful email, telling me I was “stupendously and breath takenly gorgeous.” He went onto say my “eyes could light up a room,” and I was thrilled to read his review of my pictures. After talking a couple of times on the phone, I came to realize he was somewhat ‘slimy,’ and I decided not to pursue a meeting. Fast forward two years and a new dating site and I received the same “stupendously and breath takenly gorgeous” email. Well, so much for originality.

Email, to me, should be avoided as much as possible. Other forms of communication which are better than email and text, but not as good as the Look-Em-In-The-Eye situation is Skype and phone calls. I will address The Phone Call in the future, for there is alot to know about a good versus a questionable phone conversation. The bottom line is when you are dealing with online communication; you cannot truly know who you are speaking with. Furthermore, individuals can lie, mislead, surprise and mold how they wish to be perceived. The in-person meeting is where you have a better chance of determining honesty.

All this being said, The Meeting becomes more critical and it is often one of the most challenging decisions as to who to meet.  For me, it comes down to two things. Let me give you my strategy for The Meeting. For me, I have found this to be very safe and rewarding.

First: Who to meet.  As a beginner for online dating, I was so excited to have the prospect of a new date; I agreed to meet just about anyone. I quickly learned there are some strange characters out there. Usually within the first few minutes of the meeting, I realized I did not ask the right questions over the phone or I did not pay attention to certain sections on the individual’s profile that I should have. And, within a few weeks, I realized there were some commonalities in the guys who may work and those who wouldn’t. Being a list-maker like I am, I decided to start writing down what I wanted and what I didn’t want. Pretty quickly, a list was formed and it hit two categories: MUST HAVE and PREFRRED. As I made decisions on who to meet, based off my list, my success rate began to go up. (For fun, I have listed my own personal MUST HAVE list at the end of this posting. If for no other reason, it may offer you a starting point for your own MUST HAVE list).

MUST HAVE’s are things that you need in order to have a secure and stable relationship. To me, this is a list of things you require to make you happy. Anything outside of this list and you may be considered as trying to “fix” or “change” your future mate. Look for what you want, and as I was told years ago, “You don’t marry potential.”

So….The most simplistic way to determine who to meet is by making a list, right out of the gate. Do it first thing. Make a list of all the traits and characteristics you wish for a mate. Imagine your ideal mate, if you need to, and outline how they will be. After you have exhausted all that you are seeking, divide them into two categories. The first is your MUST HAVE list and the second is your PREFERRED characteristics. Some people, if they feel so inclined, may even want to prioritize each of the two lists.

The most important aspect of the list-making process is to make a deal with yourself that you will not deviate from your MUST HAVE list. Regardless of how many qualities are on the preferred, your MUST HAVE list will take precedence.  No matter how cute he is, if he does not meet your MUST HAVE criteria, pass him on by. If she has the sexiest eyes in the world and the sweetest voice, if she does not meet your MUST HAVE list, do not make an exception for her. MUST HAVE’s are deal-breakers.

WITHOUT EXCEPTION, every time I have deviated from my MUST HAVE list, the meeting (or worse, the relationship) was a failure! Don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it!

Second: How to meet. Let me tell you the easiest way I have found to have a first meeting. My secret is The Twenty-Minute Meet-N-Greet. Before you agree to any requests to meet, make the suggestion that you meet for twenty minutes only. No matter how good or bad the meeting goes, agree you will only meet for (20) minutes. Agree you will check the time and at the end of the twenty minutes, you will part. If either of you choose to pursue the other, you can make arrangements for a real First Date. This way, there is no pressure- no worries- no concern of rejection for that initial meeting. It’s in and out, and it is painless. No more sitting across a person who said they were 6’2” and really should be sitting in a booster seat for safety reasons…. Trust me, been there, done that! The twenty-minute, first meeting has been a godsend for me.

My only other suggestion is to ensure you meet in a public place and be safe. Ensure you tell someone where you are going and agree you will check in before and twenty minutes after the meeting. If the individual appears suspicious, leave immediately. If they are late without calling, it’s a sign of disrespect and you should skedaddle. First impressions are everything. Trust your gut.

Here is my list of MUST HAVE criteria. At a later date, I will give you my PREFERRED. Until then, enjoy!

1)   Must be college educated. My reason for this is we are all on certain intellectual plains, but more importantly, we all value things differently. For me, education is critical. I value a college education more than anything. It took me (17) years to obtain my bachelor’s and I did it while raising a child, working full time (and often another part time job), and going through life’s ups and downs. No one paid my way, and I have thousands in student loans today to prove it. I have been ridiculed for not having a degree- even by members of my own family, no less- but I never stopped. I have had to travel for work. I have run out of money. I have struggled trying to understand academic concepts and methods of studying. I have had to work odd shifts and erratic schedules, but I never gave up. I got my bachelor’s, and it took me (17) hard earned years to do it.  For me, I cannot see any reason for a responsible, hard-working adult not to have an education.

2)   Must be drug free (and yes, pott IS a drug. It is illegal and if ‘caught’ it could cost a person their professional license, custody of their child, inhibit their ability to be hired, to list just a few reasons. For me, this is not a debate or political discussion about what the government should or should not allow. The bottom line is drugs (including pott) are illegal, and frankly, make you stupid. I do not do them. I won’t ever do them. I don’t want people who do them around me…or my child… Period. Ever. End of discussion.  If I compromise that, I am risking what I value the most in my own personal life- my child, my education, my career, my reputation. Trust me; no man is worth that.

3)   Must have a career, profession, or higher level aspiration. I am a professional. Yes, I can act like a goofball, but I know when to turn it on and when to turn it off. If you have never had a career- and I am not referring to screwing in bolts and hauling rope- you simply do not know how to act appropriately in executive settings. I am positive that some of you are ready and willing to argue this point, and I truly respect your position; however, my date is a reflection of me.  Even though you may disagree, my experiences have proven- with me- if you are not a professional, you truly do not understand the dynamics of being with an executive like myself. Its embarassing to me and unfair to you.

4)   Must be a non-smoker.I used to smoke and the desire to smoke still hits me from time to time, but I never want to ever smoke again. Why should I bring it around me, and (again being honest) for a non-smoker, why would I want to kiss that every day? Yuck! It stinks.

5) Must be single- not be married (or separated) or living with an ex (including ex-girlfriend).

Well, that is it for today! Next week, I will be addressing The Profile!  Happy dating!

Much love,

Shawn