Hello? Is somebody there?

Whether it is my career choice or my academic training or my innate intuition, I have this inner voice that tells me when something just ‘ain’t’ right. For years, I have tried to squelch that voice or logically explain its message away. Certainly, this cannot be true or I am being too sensitive. Maybe what he is telling me is true. He cannot possibly be lying to me, right? Well, at 43, I have learned through numerous mistakes, far too many to recount or even attempt to tally, that my inner voice usually holds some modicum of truth. Today, when I get that feeling that something just ain’t right, I may not know the details, but I listen to it.

Until recently, I have applied this inner awareness to just about every aspect of my life: career, faith, ethical choices, friend selection, etc. with one exception, my dating life. In dating, there are words I have used to explain away that inner, gut feeling. Words like…..

……illogical…...paranoid..….sensitive..….over-analytical…jaded…insecure…

I have used these words to explain why I am feeling something that just doesn’t seem right. He is a good guy and didn’t mean to hurt my feelings, right? I am simply being sensitive….. Or, oh, he isn’t dating around behind my back. I am being paranoid. Fast forward four or five months, and yes, I learn he is cheating on me….or that yes, he is a jerk and simply has no idea about being responsible in a dating relationship. The lesson to this is to never, ever ignore that inner voice. If you think something isn’t right, well, you may not know what isn’t right or you may not know who isn’t telling the truth or you do not know how things went down, but something simply isn’t right.

To me, the specifics are of no consequence.

And, since it has taken years for this to sink in with me, I have some interesting tails of “certainly this isn’t happening” situations. Here are a few:

1)      Secret accounts: I have learned that some men (one of my best guy friends being one of them) have secret online dating accounts. They are duplicate accounts with a different user name. Sometimes they have pictures, sometimes not. These accounts allow them to date someone “exclusively” (and I am using that word loosely here, LOL) while continuing to “keep their options open” should things not work out with you. (Yes, readers, that was the explanation I was given).

2)      Sleeping Child: The Sleeping Child excuse is one of the oldies but goodies. [text]“Sweetie, I cannot call you because my son is sleeping next to me.” Uh, let’s change that around to “Sweetie, I cannot call you because my wife is asleep next to me.” Ah, that’s better.

3)      The Last Minute Date: The last minute date, in and of itself, is not such a big deal. BUT, if all he ever does is ask for a last minute date that is a HUGE red flag blowing in the wind. That tells me wifey (or girlfriend, take your pick) stepped out at the last minute, which gives him an excellent opportunity to ‘step out’ himself.

4)      Tick Tock Time: So, he cannot ever give you a time. For example, he has to take the kids home on a Sunday night (you know, visitation is over). He wants to see you afterwards. Cool! So, he says to keep your schedule loose for Sunday evening.

6 PM, you text, “Any ETA?”

“Not yet. Have to call my ex. Will get back with you! Cannot wait to see you tonight!”

7:30 PM, “What’s the word?”

“Don’t know. Packing to go back.”

8 PM, “Do you want me to head your way yet?”

“I am driving them now. Will let you know.”

8:30 PM, “Are you there?”

“Still in car.”

9:30 PM, “Can you estimate what time we can get together?”

“I am driving. I have to get the kids home. Will call when I can!!!!!”

10:30 PM, “Name, there is no way you are still driving. What is going on?”

“I am being honest and I do not appreciate your accusing me of lying. I had to pack and get the kids ready. And then drive them home. This is something I have been doing for three years and it just takes a while. If this is going to work, you need to learn to be patient. My kids are my priority, not dating. I do want to see you though.”

***Ok, readers, do not sit there and think, “She is crazy to have kept texting with him.” Trust me, I knew something was up at 7:30 PM. Seriously, what parent doesn’t know the approximate time the kids are supposed to be back at their mothers? I kept the dialogue going while shopping and then over appetizers at Sage Restaurant near the Perimeter Mall, with a girlfriend. We would talk, forget for a moment about him, then return to the text dialogue. By 8 PM, I was bored with it, but my girlfriend (who is married) was really into it. She kept returning to my cell. I guess this was her vicarious way of living the single life, LOL. Eventually, even she became bored. Bottom line, I ended up telling the guy I wasn’t interested. End of story.***

5)      Emergency: So, you are on the date and then his cell jingles or vibrates or downright rings. He “has to take this. It’s one of the kids!” He steps out and takes the call. Within a few moments, he comes back and says that he needs to leave. If it happens once, well, I you certainly understand. But, if this is a repeat situation, it’s not normal. I guess it is possible he has a child with enormous issues which require interrupting his evenings repeatedly, but even if that is the case, is that something you really want in your life anyway?

In all of this, the message is clear: If something doesn’t seem to be right, honey, it isn’t. Listen to your gut. Listen to your inner self.

Let me get deep for a moment. People call it a lot of things. Some say they are psychic. Some say they have a sixth sense. Some say they are naturally intuitive, like an animal instinct. I say that God has placed an inner voice of discernment in each of us. The Bible talks about this, in fact, both in the Old AND the New Testaments. The New Testament even goes on to say there is a highly developed level of discernment that some have. It is listed as gift of the Holy Spirit.

Whatever you personally call it….whatever you believe it is or isn’t, you need to listen to it. Rarely do I go out on a limb and tell you what you need to do. In this instance, however, I firmly believe you need to listen to that inner voice, especially when dating.

It is telling you the truth. It is showing you the safe path, the best path.

Much love,

Shawn

Surprises!

In online dating, I can honestly say, I feel like I have seen and heard it all. I am sure you may be able to share one of your own stories and I welcome them. But, until I hear from you, let me share a couple of my most memorable moments.

One of my favorite meetings was back in the early 2000’s, when I first became involved with online dating. To be honest, I was green-eyed and bushy-tailed and had no clue as to the do’s and don’ts of dating, let alone this new online phenomenon. I received a Wink from this gorgeous guy with the bluest of eyes, and this dark, dark, curly hair. With olive skin hinting of Italian decent, I found him witty and intriguing and all the things I thought I wanted from a charismatic gentleman. With excitement beating my heart, he asked me to meet him at a local, family-owned Italian restaurant (no surprise), known for its atmosphere and solid cooking. I arrived at the charming hotspot and began to look around the small room for my prince-in-waiting. I could not see him. I stood there a moment. He was nowhere to be found. I checked the time. Yes, it was the right time. Where could he possibly be? From the back of the room, I hear someone lightly call out my name and I look up to an energetically waving hand. “Over here! Shawn!” I started towards the booth, and as my eyes took in what I saw, it hit me, “Run!” Of course, I didn’t. I sat down in the booth, across from a gentleman every bit of 20 or more years older than the pictures I had examined. His remaining hair was grey and cut, almost buzzed, close to his head. As he greeted me, I must have had some look of shock and horror on my face, because he immediately addressed the physical inconsistencies with his pictures. He explained to me that he was “young at heart” and most of the women who were attracted to him were “old and boring” with “one foot already in the grave.” Yes, readers, he said that. So, he had the brilliant idea to use his son’s pictures in the hopes that he could attract younger women, and once he met them, they would see exactly how youthful he actually was.

That fateful one-time meeting at the Italian restaurant ended up taking an hour of my life that I will never get back, but my next date example was one for the books. Now, this was before I had come up with the Twenty-Minute Meeting concept, so official “First Dates” were still my modus operandi….unfortunately. Anyway, I had met a gentleman and we had some very engaging conversations. During one of them, he stated he was quite the gentleman and did not believe the woman should ever, under any circumstances, pay for the first date. Since I was thinking that the conversation was good, hopefully, this date would go well equally. He asked me on a traditional dinner and a movie for Friday night. I felt like I was in high school again! We met at the movie theater and got in line for the ticket counter. As we waited in line, he stood in front of me, leading the conversation and engaging me in light banter that was both fun and took the boredom out of the long wait. In what appeared to be no time at all, we were at the head of the line awaiting the next available clerk. Upon being called, my date stepped to the side. Let me say that again. He stepped to the side. Are you getting what he did? Instead of stepping up to the counter, he stepped to the side of the line, leaving me at the head…..alone….looking at the clerk…..with a line of people behind me…. I looked to him and he turned his back, stepping a few feet from the head of the line. “Mam, next in line please.”

As I walked toward the counter, everything fell into place.  This guy was going to stick me with both our movie tickets, even after his display of chivalry. Oh, my woeful reader, do not despair. I had a plan. I made my purchase and proceeded toward the ticket taker.

Serendipitously, my date appeared beside me. “Everything okay?” he asked.

“Absolutely, not a problem.”

“Tickets please.”

I handed the young teen, working the gate, my ticket and proceeded towards the appropriate theater, leaving my date- ticketless- with him. Have I ever told you that I sometimes enjoy going to the movies alone?

Kerplunk

It seems like every so often, I get one of those First Meetings that requires telling the world. And, for women over 40 everywhere, this may be one of those stories you cling onto and yell, “Yippee!”

Last night, I had a First Meeting with someone I had met online. For two weeks, we have talked and texted, which is a bit longer than my norm before actually meeting the individual face to face. Given my hectic schedule, both with work and my family commitments, it prohibited me from setting a definite time. Given I had a free evening with my son out of the house; I decided I would meet for a few moments to actually put a face to the name and pictures I had been reviewing.

I walk into the restaurant, where he is already seated, and find him 2/3rds of the way through his first beer. Given he had just texted me 4 minutes before saying he just sat down, I found this something to observe, although I was not fully concerned at this point. We made our introductions and greetings, with me standing and him remaining seated. From an etiquette perspective, I thought that this was something of note, but I do consider myself somewhat traditional in terms of such things. I let it go.

After I sat and removed my jacket, he simply looked at me. Well, actually, he stared at me. Okay, truth be told, he gawked at me. A full-on oogle. I was thinking, “Okay, this is awkward and I had better say something quick before he drools.” Instead, he interrupted me and said, “So, your profile states you work out at least four times a week. Really?” and he made an odd face and cocked his head sideways.  Well, I guess what I thought was oogling was really disappointment and he was quickly coming to terms with it. Yes, I work out four times a week, minimum. My workouts, however, are heavy weight lifting and strength training, not the (assumed) aerobics he was expecting. I responded similarly and he seemed to be okay with it, so the meeting continued. We talked of his work and his music and his friends and his weekend activities. The conversation was, in reality, a monologue, a one-man rant about himself, a soliloquy. Being a student of behavioral oddities, I observed with the amusement of a psychologist in training, which is exactly what I am, haha. Sweet!

After his downing his second beer and me finishing my first water, I told him that I needed to head on home, given the late hour.  I offered to pay my share, oh wait, I had water, didn’t I? Haha, so he paid the bill. We walked out to the parking lot, where his car was closest to the door. He asked if I could listen to a particular song we had discussed earlier in the evening, as he had his iPod, and I agreed. Why not? If he made a move, I was pretty sure I could take him. After all, I had at least 4 inches and 10 pounds on the guy as it was. I am in strength training, after all!

So, after a very smooth and dynamic song, lasting 4.19 minutes (yes, I was watching the clock. I was tired, give me a break), I wished him well and made my goodbyes.  As I was getting out, he said, “Well, it’s up to you.”

I stopped. “What? What is up to me?” I was thinking, the next call? The next date? Did he ask me something and I had tuned his incessant jibber-jabbering out?

His response stunned me, “What we do next….tonight. Where we go.”

I told him, “I am going home. I am tired and I am a bit sore from my workout tonight.”

“Shawn, if you rub my back down with oil, give me a great massage, I bet your sore muscles will stop hurting. You can follow me to my house. It’s only four miles away.”

I looked at him. This guy, who showed disdain for me earlier in the night, this guy who could not even get up to greet me, this guy who never even bothered to ask one question to or about me, was actually thinking I was going to follow him to his house? Is this the 2012 version of Atlanta Punked? Seriously? Where are the cameras?

I looked at him….  I just looked at him….. All I could see was that initial look on his face, earlier in the evening, when he asked me about my workout schedule…. That look of disdain and of dislike. And, it hit me….. Whereas I would normally excused myself and just gotten out of his car and went home, thus ignoring him forever, I decided to say something.

“Let me get this straight. You blatantly look at me with disgust, as I am assuming you think my body is not your type….You monopolize the entire conversation, never even once asking me about my day….Knowing I am not feeling all that great, at this late hour, you want me to come to your house and give you a massage? Really? Let me tell you. I am 43 years of age. I am in good physical shape. I work out regularly. I am smart, funny, educated, and I am financially secure. You, on the other hand, are bald, 40 pounds overweight at best, half a foot shorter than me and rude. Good luck in finding your supermodel,” and I got out of his car and walked to mine.

Getting in my car, and pulling out, leaving him sitting there with his car idling, I felt a freedom and release I haven’t felt in years. Dating has many advantages and we can meet some awesome folks. I have met one of my best buddies through online dating. I believe it has its place, but from time to time, you (okay, WE) will meet some real winners. Those who are only looking for one thing…those who have an ulterior motive….those who are not interested in you, as a person or even as a human being. Be strong- ladies AND men (because both genders are guilty of this!) Stick to your guns. Don’t give up! Keep on looking. Ya gotta kiss a lot of frogs to find your Prince/Princess Charming. (All I can say is thank goodness I didn’t have to kiss him!)

Much Love,

Shawn

A Fun Kickoff to the New Year!

….Sigh….

Welcome to a new year! As you have probably guessed, I have not been blogging lately. I decided to take a bit of a break and just enjoy the holiday season. And, to make matters worse, I hurt my hand making it a huge challenge to type. That being said, I am just now back and am excited about this New Year!

On that note, I wanted to recount for you my New Year’s Eve plans and how it all relates to online dating. I attended a New Year’s Eve dance and party, hosted by one of the larger online dating sites here in Atlanta. As with most such events, I do not get my hopes up in meeting someone. I just go in with an open mind and a great attitude. I let the event happen and whoever I meet, I meet. If I meet no one, that is fine too. I am there to enjoy the sights.

Well, I attended with one of my single girlfriends who is over 50. She is NOT an online dater, so I am thinking the novelty of this event with her could strike some interesting perspectives on the scene. And, I was not disappointed!

Prior to attending, I reviewed the statistics of those who signed up to attend the event. On average, the age range was 35 to 50, a nice mix for someone like me and also my friend. If for no other reason, we could take a sampling of our age group and determine is we are faring better than our peers. (Is that bad?) When we arrived, I have to say that we were not only the youngest attendees; we were also the most attractive, put together and polished in the crowd of 400. She and I secured a very good looky-loo location, next to a column right outside the dance floor. We had access and we had the ability to talk quietly over the noise without having to raise our voices. This proved to be very rewarding as the night progressed.

As she stood on one side of the column and I stood on the other, a line literally formed on each side of us. Men would come up and talk, while others hovered nearby, awaiting their turn. As I would wrap up one conversation, another guy would slide in and make his introductions. The same was happening with my friend. I have never seen anything like this in my entire dating life. It is almost as if one man had no regard for another’s conversation with one of us. At one point in the evening, a gentleman interrupted my friend’s conversation with another guy to give her $20. He told her that he had to run to meet someone, but he would be back within the hour and definitely before midnight. He said he wanted to buy her drinks while he was gone. Thank goodness she had the couth to NOT take the money.

As people came up to me, one of the things I did was ask their online user name, and thanks to technology and a Smartphone, I was able to look up their profiles right on the spot! How fun was that?!?! I got to see exactly what people thought of themselves and compared pictures to the person standing directly in front of me. Let me put it like this. When I arrived, I had a full charge. When I left, my battery was dead. Needless to say, I looked everyone one up I possibly could. Now, if you are like me, you want to know exactly how many people matched their profile pictures, right? Here is the number: ZERO!!!

Not one person looked even mildly close to their profile picture. I saw it all! Young pictures, old faces. Thin bodies, chunky (and even obese) waistlines. Youthful smiles, and snarls and unsmiling individuals who appeared scary, let alone approachable.  One guy was absolutely gorgeous online, but as he continued to stand behind me, I could not help but feeling like a stalked deer during the November rut.  I have never seen such a display of egos and misleading individuals in my entire career.

When New Year’s came, of course the $20 guy returned to hover over my friend, and yes, she gave him his new year’s kiss as he expected. I, on the other hand, saved my new year’s kiss….Still am…. It’s something that is important to me and I haven’t found someone to give it to….yet.

So, what is the purpose of this post? Expect nothing at online dating events, because that is probably what you are going to get.

Much love,

Shawn