A Dating Philosophy

I thought I would give you a dating philosophy summary. I think this helps me as much as it helps you....  Here we go:

If a man/woman wants to see you, there is nothing that can keep them away. If a man/woman doesn’t want to see you, there is nothing you can do to make them stay.

Stop making excuses for a man/woman and their behavior. Allow your intuition to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that is not meant to be. Your gut instinct is ALWAYS right. It just may take longer for the message to get to your brain!

He is a man/She is a woman. Nothing more, nothing less. Jobs can be lost. Money can be spent. Waistlines and firmness change over time. What is on the inside is what matters. You might have the tightest abs in the world, but when you are 80, those abs will be gone, and all that will remain is the person with whom you are going to spend the rest of your life.

Never live your life for another person before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the other person was not treating you as you deserve, then heck no, you cannot “be friends.” Friends don’t mistreat other friends.

Don’t settle. EVER.

If you feel like the other person is stringing you along, s/he probably is.

If a person treats you like they don't care, guess what? They don't.

Don’t stay because you think it will probably ‘get better.’ You will kick yourself a year down the line when things aren’t better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Always have your own set of friends separate from hers/his.  If, when you are talking with your friends about your partner's inappropriate behavior, they start to make excuses for that person, find new friends to confide in. The "why" isn't important. The fact inappropriate behavior is present is what is truly significant, and nothing else matters.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy/gal treats you.

If something bothers you, speak up.

You cannot change someone else’s behavior. Change comes from within.

Never let someone else define who you are.

 

Never borrow someone else’s boy/girlfriend. If s/he cheats with you, s/he will cheat on you.

Compromise is a two-way street.

You need to heal between relationships. There is nothing cute about baggage, even if it is a matching set.

Dating is fun. When it stops being fun, you shouldn’t be dating.

Scared of being alone is what makes a lot of people stay in relationships that are hurtful. You should know that you are the best thing that could ever happen to someone else, and if someone takes that for granted, s/he is missing out on a good thing- YOU!

Lastly, if s/he was attracted to you in the first place, and s/he is not the one, do not worry. Think about it.....if s/he was looking, rest assured, others are looking too. You have a lot of choices- Make the right one.

Good luck!

 

Stymied

So, I am not aware if you realize it or not, but I have not posted in quite some time. So, here I am at almost 1 AM....  Truth be told, I have taken a hiatus from dating for awhile. It has become ridiculous, so I quit. I would, however, like to give you a story from some time ago, that reared its quite ugly head TODAY.....

First, you know I was engaged, right? And, broke up some time ago, right? Kinda threw me into a tailspin for awhile. Oh, and let me tell you this, my ex.... He sends me a reminder- now that I am single "yet again" (as he puts it). Really? Talk about insensitivity. Here is the pathetic part. He sends me this email. Subject line says, "Its that time of year again." I am thinking- soccer? Haircut? Summer camps? No- it is his reminder to me not to have sex with my son present. If ever I doubted divorcing him- trust me, I haven't (just to set the record straight)- this reinforced everything I ever thought about the man. Honestly, the guy needs a life.

Anyway, so I somewhat go into hiding. Then, the day of my birthday last year (yes, November)some friends "talk" me into going back online. They said they have never seen me "this way." What the heck is "this way?" so, fine. Whatever. I went back online and reposted on Match.com. I wasn't two hours in when the fish started biting. It was like a frenzy.... "Oh, you're back" or "Hey, I remember you" or "I am so glad you are back. I meant to reach out to you months ago." Bottom line, I recognized them all. After months of being engaged, they were still using the same profile photos. Shocker.

I tried a date or two and was beyond disappointed. So, this one guy hit me up. Kinda cute, but he didn't wow me. And, he never called me. He just texted and sent emails through Match. To me, huge red flag. So, via email I set up a meeting at this local Buckhead brewery on a Saturday afternoon. the night before, I went out with my girlfriends. A prior fling was there by coincidence, and he and I and my friends ended up talking our faces off all evening. In the end, I did not get to bed- ALONE- until around 3 AM. So, when I got up and made coffee at 11:30, I wasn't looking forward to some meeting with some dude who I hadn't even spoken to at 2 PM. I sent a text, praying to God he wouldn't answer. And, he didn't!! I said, "Hey, just confirming we are getting together today at 2." at 12:40 PM, the man texts back he was at the gym and of course we were getting together. ARGH!!! So, feeling like a putz, I jumped up and began to rush for this ridiculous meeting which I knew would only end in-yet another- disaster. I was ten minutes late and walked in.

First, the dude was balder than I thought. Not a huge issue, but now I know why his picture was skued, cock-eyed to the side. Hide the hair- or lack there of. I sit beside him. We have a beer... Then, he has another...and another....and another..... (Caution flag is out).....  It is a halfway pleasant day, which turns into an early evening. Not too shabby. We actually got along.... Ok, looking back, I talked and he listened with a goober-ish grin on his face. He was not enchanted, but it was something close. I had something to do that evening (as he followed me around like a puppy as I went shopping). It was okay.....

Fast forward a month... He and I have this regular mojo down. We get along. We talk. We laugh. We have some things in common. It is safe.....  Fun, pleasant.... I have no concerns....  But, this pattern starts to emerge.....  Typically, Thursday evening- a wonderful date. He walks me to my car, does not even kiss me (interesting). Friday, we have a fun date for dinner. Saturday, we meet up at 4 for a date, date. Sunday, nothing. Monday, a text. Tuesday, a text or two and a call that evening. Wednesday, a text or two. Thursday- radio silence. Hear nothing until the following Tuesday, when he texts to tell me hello, acting like everything is ducky.

So, build up to the weekend, then great weekend, then decreased activity when my son is home with me during the week, then radio silence on my weekend with my son---ONLY to resume to Status Quo when my son goes to his dads.... the build up starts and then the weekend....

I don't like this. I say something and I am told that we haven't known each other that long. That I am rushing things. Hmmmm, I have been told this before- granted, it was YEARS ago- but, maybe it has some legs. So, I back off.

Nothing that weekend. (It is okay because my son is with me, but in the back of my mind, I am thinking, "Is this normal?) The following Monday, text hello, as if nothing is wrong....again! Tuesday, a call and an invitation to date that weekend. Wednesday, building texts into Friday when we see each other. Friday, he asks me to spend Saturday with him, and I do. Sunday, we go our separate ways, however he calls to tell me he is in love with me. Love. Huh? I mean....huh??  And, he wants to dedicate his dating efforts only to me, exclusively. I actually believe dating one person at a time is wise, so uhhh, ok? I mean, ok???

Now, my dearest readers. What happens next? Can you imagine? Monday, texts.... Tuesday, a text or two and a call that evening. Wednesday, a text or two. Thursday-radio silence. Yes, a repeat of the pattern.....  remember, he is "in love" and "exclusive."

Now let me stop here, ok? You know me, right? You ALL know me. Do you really think I woman like me would put up with this garbage if she was serious? Come on. Really? Uh, no. Not only no, but H-E-Double Hockey Sticks, no.... But, to me, this is entertaining. I am really getting a kick outta this guy. He actually thinks he has his act together.... So, what do I do? Oh man, I go along with it.... I feed him what he wants to hear.... I act all "I love you too" and watch the drama unfold. (Come on! I need fodder for this site. I am telling you, I have nothing spectacular to give you. Let me milk this for what it is worth!!!)

For THREE cycles, this goes on. Part One- Weekend alone with him, I love you, followed by decreasing contact. Part Two- Weekend with my son- he vanishes only to reappear later that week, even though my son is with his dad. I literally cannot do this any longer. Honestly, it lost its entertainment value. It became too predictable. Too boring. Too expected. Too soap opera-ish. Hoakie is the word I would use. Cornbally. So, I threw in the towel....  Back to my life. Sigh of relief.... Then.... Today....

Yes, today. I receive a text. I miss you. Awwwwwww..... Him's sad......  Mr. Baldy Man (And, I like bald men, BTW, but it bothers him, so I call him that behind his back. My friends refer to him as Mr. Rotten Tooth. He has a bad tooth. I hadn't noticed. They, god love them, pointed it out to me). So, he says, "I miss you and blah, blah, blah." I text back.... nicety, nicety.... Ditto stuff....  I assume he can't stand it any longer.... So, he calls me. For entertainment value, I pick up. "I miss you, Shawn. I need you in my life. I love you".....However, and I want to give you a direct quote on this. "I am not your man." What the hell does that mean? Oh, don't think on it too long.... He told me.... It means, I know I am not supposed to be with you. I am "connected" to you in a way I have never been with any other woman in my life, "from the moment I saw you at the brewery, I knew I was in love with you. I think of you every day. I look at your picture all day every day. I keep it on my phone. I think of you in the morning and every evening. I look for you in places I know you go. I have to have you in my life. You are so sexy, so hot. I cannot stop thinking of you. Every time I am with another woman on a date, I think of nothing but being with you. I love you..... But, I am not your man."

<<<<I stop here dear readers>>>> I LITERALLY have nothing to say to this.

When asked, my friends use profanity I will not repeat here and tell me- paraphrased- to ignore him.

This guy wants to reincorporate me into his life, but not dating- without any physical interaction. He says it will kill him, but he will watch me date other men and talk about them, because he wants to have me in his life. He cannot NOT have me in his life. And, if watching me date is what he needs to do to have that, so be it. But, he sounds so sincere.... I, personally, do not understand this. PhD in Psychology, and I don't understand it. He is educated, an executive, not short (although he is not tall), and pseudo-attractive. Honestly, he should be thrilled to get someone like me, haha.... No, seriously. He should.

What is the deal?

So, for the first time EVER, I am asking your input. What do you think is happening? Posting is difficult here, as you have to sign up to follow.... Honestly, I want to know your thoughts. Do not hold back....  So, feel free to send your responses to shawn_dobson@yahoo.com. I will post a consolidation of them later this week.

Much love,

A Stymied Shawn

Mirror Image

Hello readers and Happy New Year (well, almost)....   I cannot tell you how many individuals have approached me and asked that I resume posting my online dating blog. Personally, I find some of these stories too far-fetched to believe, had they not happened to me directly. But, given the demand and the story requests at numerous parties and events, I will give you a taste of some prior events for the sake of entertainment.

Not all too many months ago, I had the fortunate experience to meet someone through a church-based networking event. I go to a mega-church in Alpharetta. He goes to my pastor's father's church in Atlanta. Similar beliefs, however he does tend to think MY church is a bit weak on the substance. (Cannot say I agree, but different strokes).

Yes, he was participating with an online dating site, so this story is applicable to this blog. He attended a related church as mine, and he was/is actively involved in some ministries related to that high profile church. I know this folks, is what I am trying to say. And, not just any Tom-Dick- or Harry is allowed to manage these groups. Overall, I thought I was dealing with a clean-cut guy.

So, after a while of chatting, he asked if I would be interested in a dinner date. Of course! And, within two days, he and I had a wonderful dinner at a local canteen in my part of town. It was a Friday, and the date was awesome. Both he and I looked forward to seeing each other again. He dropped me off at my house and said goodbye, without playing the Grabby-Grab game at the front door or without asking to come in to have “coffee” (with fingers in air quotation marks). I was truly impressed by the amount of respect he was showing me.

The following morning, at around 9 AM, my phone rang. It was him. Let’s give him a name, readers! Let’s call him....hmm...Rod. Yes, Rod. Let’s call him Rod. So, ‘Rod’ calls me the following morning. He apologizes for being so forward, but he had a fantastic time with me the night before. Furthermore, he says he knows I have plans that evening (Saturday, which I did). And, he admits he too has plans with another date that Saturday evening, but.... After meeting me, he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that he would definitely like to see me again. And, he also admits that he knows his date Saturday will be highly disappointing, given he would only be wishing to be with me.  (I told you people I am awesome)....

Yes, I had plans that evening too, but I also wanted to see Rod again. Well, I did a no-no. I cancelled my plans and went out with Rod. We had a blast, yet again. We went to a great restaurant and ate sushi...and had some of the best wine....and laughed and laughed and talked and talked. It was fantastic! While driving home, we passed a Hooters and he tossed his head to the side and said, "Hey, wanna stop in Hooters for drink?" I chuckled. Funny guy. Hooters.... Anyway, we travelled to my house where I invited him in afterwards. We sat and talked until the early morning. Rod wrapped up his night with our first, gentle kiss goodbye and left.  I was thinking that Rod was a great guy. Date two and I didn't have to defend myself against attack. Things were looking up in my dating world.

The following morning, Rod met me for church (mine), and while we waited for the service to begin, Rod told me he had called his mother that morning and talked for a full hour discussing me and the possibilities for our future together. Although I attempted to remain neutral, that little smile inside me was beaming. After service, we went for a quick brunch and then returned back to my house, where he and I did some yard work together at my house. (I had planned on yard work after church and Rod volunteered to help out to maximize the time we spent together that weekend). What an awesome guy!

We came back into the house to get some water and Rod casually mentioned there was something he wanted to bounce off me. I sat down, as did he. He proceeded to tell me that he was three years divorced (which I knew). And, he proceeded to remind me of a story he had told me the evening before. In this story, he said that after his divorce, he went through a mid-life crisis and dated a much younger woman. Well, that 'much younger woman' was actually a Hooter’s waitress who was 23. Rod was 48.

“Well,” he said, “You know how I said that it was 'after my divorce?' I wasn’t being 100% forthright with you, but I wasn't lying, ok? Yes, it was after I divorced, but it wasn’t immediately after I divorced. It was three months ago. [He chuckled.] Wait, no, we did not start dating three months ago. We broke up three moths ago. We dated for nine months altogether, three of which we lived together. You also need to know she is my best friend. I talk to her once or twice a day and we text throughout the day every day. Now Shawn, wait, I see the look in your eyes. I haven’t had sex with her in four weeks and even then, I knew it was only physical. She is just a friend and she will always be my friend. Now that you are in the picture, I won't be sleeping with her any more, ok? We will continue to talk and text, but I doubt we will spend too much time together any more. She is going to hit the roof when she finds out that I have a girlfriend. [Again, he is laughing to himself.]

I know her, Shawn... and fully expect her to send me pictures of herself- if you get my drift- but I don't want you to feel intimidated by that. I will delete them. She is just trying to make me miss her, and she is a bit jealous. You have to realize, you are the one for me. My mom told me so. She said that you are age appropriate, and that you are welcome in her house. I mean, I tried to bring 'Susan' to a family dinner and my mom told me to get that "whore" out of her house, and if I ever brought her back over, she would throw ME out of the house too! [More self-laughter.] You will be welcome and will make my mom really happy.

So, are you okay with this? You understand, right?”

Dear readers.... Dear, dear readers.... Here is what went through my head. What 48 year old in his right mind would date a 23 year? Other than the obvious, what could they possibly have in common? And, didn’t he just tell me that her parents were in their mid-40, younger than him? What in God’s green earth could possibly be okay about this situation? And, she is STILL his best friend? What could he be getting out of a relationship like that? I mean, think about your best friend. What do you go to them for? Advice? Support? Solace? Accountability? And, this is who HE goes to for these things? And I am supposed to be ‘understanding’ of this?

Better yet, I am 'age-appropriate?' Mom will like me? So, this is all about image?

I only had two short words for him. “Get out.” Get out of my house. Get out of my life. Get out of my head. GET OUT.

Welcoming is bittersweet

After how many months of being silent, I am back. As so many of you know, I was engaged! Yes, the online bug came and bit me in the booty... But after a few weeks of playing the vanishing fiancé game, which I thought was the I am freaking out about getting married game, I find my fiancé (a dedicated Greek pilot) was really still surfing the online dating sites, looking for the stereotypical girlfriend(s) on the side. God love him for sticking with Greek tradition! So, it ended.....


Never letting moss grow on this rolling stone, I took a few weeks to recover and got back up on my two feet. As I feel I am the consummate optimist, I refuse to allow this to keep me down for long. In exposing my soul to you, I have to admit this entire process has literally rocked my world. Being "an expert" in relationships and feeling strongly about the online dating protocol, I cannot express enough how following my own advice is critical today. In the last two weeks, I have gone back and read my own posts, seeking strength and reassurance that "this DOES work!"


I rarely am serious in any of my posts as you know, but this one is. As I sit in the middle of the North Carolina mountains at a good friend's cabin with my best friend in the world, I look at the changing leaves and smell my freshly pressed coffee. Since starting this post, I now smell the crackling bacon waifing from the kitchen and my best friend, who has held my hand, handed me countless tissues, has expressed disgust over inappropriate things my ex fiancé said or did....the best friend who I dragged through an all-day bridal show, knowing full well my relationship was ending, yet feigned excitement to keep me from breaking down.....looks out the glass sliding door and smiles with her tea cup in hand.... I know am back.... And my posts will resume.....

I am assured that even though my heart was crushed, there IS someone out there for me....and you too... And everyone of the tears I have shed have an intended purpose to teach me how to be a better person, a better girlfriend and ultimately wife, and most importantly, an appreciative friend....

Much love,

Shawn

Following Up

Suffice it to say; when it comes to dating I am not always the most trusting person in the world. Granted, I am neither cynical nor jaded. I consider myself to simply “not be stupid” about it, which brings me to today’s post. Following up.

When I was a young girl, I used to sit and fanaticize as if I were a damsel in distress. And, along would come a big strong, shining knight. Riding at full bore on his white steed, he could crash through the gates of the fortress holding me captive. Within seconds, he would have slain the aggressor, freed me of my bondage and would have swept me away, sitting side-saddle with my flowing blonde hair blowing in the breeze. He would hold me close and never, ever let me go.

Although those days are long gone, I still have my moments of being swept away from the harsh reality of daily life as a single mom, working a full time job, trying to stay ahead of the normalcy we call life (bills, debt, car repair, landscaping, etc.). So, when I find I have met someone online through this match.com or POF.com or whatever site being used, I hide my profile. The way I see it, if I am falling for someone or I see the potential in falling for someone, there is no sense in muddying the water (or wasting my or some other guy’s time) while trying to find a connection. And, anyway, if you think you have some potential, why would you want to keep dating other men? Bottom line, I want to see if “this” is going to work, right? No sense in having all these distractions keeping me from that, so I hide my profile.

When I hide my profile, I usually tell the person with whom I am dating. No, I am not asking them to hide theirs as well, although it is a good sign when they step up to voluntarily do so. What I am doing is letting them know my intentions, which usually sparks a dialogue of these intentions. In doing this, however, I have learned- sadly- that not everyone is to be trusted. In telling another that I have taken down my profile, I guess that is an indicator that we are all a-go. Let the mad rush of dating begin. For in these instances, I have found that almost immediately, my new focus may begin a free-wheeling, online dating adventure, without bounds or restrictions.

In one instance, I took down my profile for several weeks. When we decided to date exclusively, I told this person that I was contacting the online company and having my account closed. He (appeared) ecstatic! He said, in fact, “I think I will do the same!” Little did he know, I had prepaid for my account for another month. Although my profile would not be posted or viewable any longer, I did have all account privileges- one of them being, reviewing profiles. So, low and behold, on a whim, I decided to go into the online site, conduct a quick search on his user name, and found he was back at it: Active, dating, and (at that moment) ONLINE NOW!

Although I have come to expect it, my heart sank a bit, but for reasons you may not know or understand. It’s not that I was madly in love or crushed over his activity. For me, it is a sad and growing knowledge that more people than I care to acknowledge are simply NOT looking for a true relationship. Furthermore, this dating thing- it’s all a big game. The thrill of the hunt. The excitement of the catch.

So, what do I do in such a situation? Well, I have choices, as do you. First, I can blow a valve and demand an explanation. This only ends in an argument or me looking irrational. Bottom line, relationships are severed and both of us walk with a bad taste in our mouths. This is never an option for me. (You, however, can choose to react any way you wish).

The next choice is to simply say nothing, knowing that he is still out there. Let him be. Let him do what he needs to do. In the end, if it is meant to be, it will be. However, my only question to you is, “Can you get over the betrayal? The Lie? Or, do you even consider it a lie?” That is a question only you can answer. After all, you are the one who has to live with the decision, correct?

The last choice is to simply ‘fade to black.’ You know how I love that phrase!  Simply slip away. Respond to a text or two, answer a call or two, and maybe write an email, but for the most part, you simply cease to exist in his world. You just move on. Often times, this is the hardest choice you have to make, but it also gives you the control and the power, which some people may tend to argue is not true. It is, though. You are the one with the knowledge. You are the one who caught him. You are the one making the decision to slip away in the night. And, put yourself in their shoes. One day, things are ducky and you are planning an exclusive future together. Obviously, they got something out of that, right? Otherwise, why would they have ventured down that path with you. Then, the next day, you are simply gone. No reason, no explanation, nothing. You just vanish. It leaves him wondering exactly what did he do? What went wrong? And, if he is the insecure type (which my opinion he is if he is doing such sneaky activities), his insecurities come to fester- nagging him that, once again, his deficiencies have cost him someone cool.

So, readers, it’s not my place to tell you what to do. It is my place to share my experiences with you, relay what I have done to offset these, and help you in any way I can to prevent such things reoccurring in your own life.

With all my love… Much, much muchness,

Shawn

The Profile Opening Line

As someone who has been online dating for a number of years (for fun, entertainment, true dating interest and even scientific study), I have found reading profiles one of the most entertaining of all tasks. Yes, these are tasks, as in chores, not the adventure of discovery. I have found there are the same ‘ole, same ‘ole opening lines in just about each and every one that I read. Granted, there are some who have the knack for writing and therefore attempt to present the same material differently, but in the end, most profile opening lines are the same….for the most part.

The most common of all the same ‘ole, same ‘ole’s include:

·         Well, a friend finally talked me into doing this…..

·         I thought I would give this a try….

·         Some friends of mine have actually found their spouse on this thing, so I am going to do it….

·         I hate talking about myself, so here goes….

Literally, these are almost verbatim quotes that have been used so frequently, they have entered eminent domain. They have been used so frequently, I often wonder if there is some ledger of opening lines or suggested opening lines on some cheat sheet that no one has told me about. When I stumble upon such lines, my response is almost always the same- Roll my eyes and move onto the next profile. Geesh, is there no one creative? Or, worse, honest? Yawn!

Opening lines are often hard, that I give you. And, in writing your profile, starting the thing is like the 20,000 lb. phone. Ya just can’t pick it up. I get that. Trust me! So, what are you to do? Let me make this easy for you. The first thing you need to do, and yes, I said the word “need,” is to open a Word document (or whatever you use for scripting letters, etc.). Open it and begin there, NOT in the Write About Yourself section of your profile. Give yourself space and time. I know you are all fired up with getting your profile “out there,” but this takes time. As much as getting ready to go out on a Saturday evening should take you more than ten minutes to prepare, you need to invest that same about of time in your profile.

Listen, quality people, the ones you are trying meet, they are reading your profile, ok? If you do not put any thought into it or if you just throw something up there, people will notice. It’s like in Marketing; we teach that it is often better to not advertise versus advertising incorrectly or inefficiently. That concept applies here more than anywhere. You are marketing yourself for a life partner, or so we/I hope. So, take the time and give yourself some latitude in tweaking your opening line to something catchy.

One thing I do, especially when writing in general, is to just start. No one says what you type first has to stay first, ok? So, start typing. You might find out that halfway down the page, your opening line just surfaces. And, there is this handy dandy trick when you use word of “cutting and pasting.” You can simply cut a catchy phrase out and paste it at the beginning of your profile.

So, hypothetically, you have done all this, right? And, you are still stuck. Gotcha. Here are some things you can do:

1.       Go to an online site, such as Google. Search for catchy quotes that grab who you are. Some examples may include, searching for “quotes about having fun” or “quotes about life being an adventure.” Just try it and see what pops up. Make sure you include the originator of the quote, otherwise that is plagiarism.

2.       Write a quippy phrase about your primary profile picture. If you have a picture of yourself on a beach, sipping a cooler, you could say, “What I wouldn’t give to be back there, right this second. I love the beach and am a true water baby….” There you go. You have an opening line. Catchy, creative, and ties directly into your overall profile theme.

3.       Be direct/honest. (That does not mean wishy washy or weak in your statement). Come out and say what you are doing online. “I am here to find….” Or “I am looking for….”

4.       Say who you are. “I have a great life! And, I am looking for someone to share it with!”

5.       And, not to be removed from this idea of profile opening lines, let me give you my most recent opening line. It states, “As I am someone who has been single awhile now, I have come to believe dating is rather like gathering water in the palm of your hands.....while you are busy gathering droplets, the good stuff is slipping through your fingers. Serial dating, a growing phenomenon in the online world is more of a distraction than an opportunity to increase the odds of finding a mate, and its one thing I do not do.” To me, it is addressing an online issue that, I believe, we are all having to deal with. You would not believe how many people email me, just to say that I have this online dating thing nailed. (Funny they should say that, since I am STILL SINGLE!!!)

In the end, your opening line is there to grab someone's attention. Once you feel comfortable with it, post it. And, then go back...day in and day out... and review it. Do not feel afraid to change it, again and again. You WILL get it right, I promise!

Much Love,

Shawn

It's all Who Ya Know

It’s a small world after all. It’s a small world after all. It’s a small world after all. It’s a small, small world.

The words have never rang as true as they do today, given the wonderful story I have to share with you all. Okay, some names, dates, events and sequences have been modified to protect the innocent. In doing so, some of the ‘not-so-innocent’ are also being protected. In reality, I feel like creating a website, www.badguysyouneedtoavoid.com. BUT, alas, I won’t do that. So, with a sigh and a flick of my hair, I move on.

As many of you know, I enjoy the process of discovery and the getting to know you (The King and I) process with dating. That, to me, is the scientific aspect of this and also behavioral study. Examining individuals and their backgrounds, looking for traits and indicative behaviors, even sensing subtle pauses or hesitations in speech can add worlds of insight into the unknown. But, man, there is nothing like having a gut feeling about someone and then finding direct, irrefutable proof that your “Picker” is spot on. That, my dearest of readers, is exactly what happened to me the other day.

So, a wonderful gentleman, okay, this really cool dude, gave me a nod. My initial thought was whether or not I could add another to the roster. I mean, really, isn’t my plate already full? Well, I wasn’t so keen on this roster and was thinking I should probably just chuck it altogether, but no, I will ride this train to the final depot; however I was kinda bored with the existing list, right? And, the leader of the roster was giving me issues. He was unavailable and detached at times (and then intensely engaged the next moment), and I just had this…..feeling? This gut sense that sumptin just wasn’t right. And, if you recall previous posts, that gut is ALWAYS right, right?  So, okay. Let’s focus on him for a second.

Looking at education, profession, writing style, articulation and verbiage use, oh, and then pictures, I soon realized, “Hm. Nice. Maybe I should nod back,” so I did. Fast forward a couple of days and a few emails and texts later, and I was chatting up a storm with a promising connection, named Larry. (So much for Mr. Detached, right?)

As we often do, Larry and I played the “Who do you know” game, and we soon learned that we know many, many of the same people. (Yes, Larry is NOT his real name). We talked about our work histories and those with whom we have come into contact. We talked about our colleges and those with whom we have come into contact. We talked about our fitness regimen and those with whom we have come into contact. We talked about our neighborhoods and those with whom we have come into contact….. And, then….. Ohhhh, and then… He says to me, “Yeah, I am surprised at how many people live around me who travel over an hour and a half to work. You would think they would live closer, and these are professionals too, like executives, attorneys, doctors, bank executives. It makes no sense.” (Titles are changed to protect the innocent).

“Bank executives? Did you say bank executives?”

“Oh, yeah. There are several who live in my area.”

“Wow. That is interesting, Larry. I have dated a bank executive or two in the last few months, actually.”

“Well, as long as your bank executive’s name isn’t John Doe, you should be fine! LOL”

Wait a second. Did Larry just say John Doe? Nooooo….. As Larry continued to chat, I sat there dumbfounded. Larry stopped talking. He asked if I was okay. I came to.

“Larry, did you say John Doe?”

“Oh, no. Don’t tell me you know him.”

“John Doe? The bank Executive? Lives in XYZ City?”

“Yep. Married to Jane Doe, a loving and devoted wife. Two little girls. Hmmm…. Those girls must be 17 and 20 by now? Yes, he has a reputation for being a player.”

“STILL married? Did you say he is still married? With two little girls?”

“Oh, Shawn, are you telling me that you know him?”

“John Doe who plays cello? John Doe who is a triathlete?” (Yes, details changed).

“The one and the same.”

“You know, Larry, THIS is why women are jaded. This is it. Luckily, I have only had a lunch date with him and have only talked and texted with him, but this really makes me angry. This guy has cancelled and rescheduled on me multiple times. He rarely picks up his phone and it takes at least twenty plus minutes, actually up to a full day, to get him to respond to my texts. NO WONDER! He is married!”

Yes, folks, John Doe was, is, and forever shall be married. Needless to say, I did not talk with him again. My only communication with him was to text him “Shame, shame, shame on you” for all he has done. Although he has no idea what I am “shaming” him about, or maybe he does, I did not even feel the need to reach out to elaborate further.

What a sad, sad world we live in….. And, no, I am not saying all men are this way nor am I saying that only men do these things, but who can you trust? When someone (male or female) go to the lengths of placing a PUBLIC ad, with pictures, online, to add you to their Facebook, to openly meet and attempt to date you, with no fear of recrimination, what does that say about the state of ethical values and morality in our society?