Feedback Wanted: Define "We"

Ok, this is a quick hit....  Went to lunch. GREAT lunch, by the way. During the conversation, my date says, "We took the girls hiking" and he begins to tell me a story. I cannot recall anything other than that first line, "We took the girls hiking."

I looked at him.

"Who is 'we?'"

"Me and the girls."

"No, you said 'we took' them somewhere."

I meant the three of us. Me and the girls.

Ok, dearest of readers. What do YOU think? Who is "we?"

Thoughts?

Feel free to respond to shawndobson2010@gmail.com. If you agree in the body of the email, I will post (anonomously, of course) some of your comments.

Much love,

Shawn (....sigh....this is getting old, isn't it?)

A Dating Mishap

One of the funniest things happened to me on a date I had not so long ago. After a wonderful meeting over a cup of coffee, my newly made friend and I decided to part ways. Being a true gentleman, he walked me to my vehicle, a new, soft-top Jeep, with a self-start feature on the key. It made me feel cool to start my vehicle from across the parking lot. Thought I would show off a little.

So, with my car warming up, saying goodbyes, I opened my driver door and placed my keys in the ignition. As we chatted, unbeknownst to me, the driver door started to close….slowly….quietly…. Saying goodbye for the last time, I turned to open my car door and found it was locked. “Be cool, Shawn.” My date saw the totally uncool, cool look on my face. Being direct, “Yep. Door is locked, but no worries. Zip-off windows! Ah ha!” So, I unzipped my driver’s side back window, stuck my hand in and proceeded to pull on the door handle from the inside. CRAP! Child safety locks. I could not open the freakin’ door!

Looking at my date in terror, I said that there was only one way to do this, and no, he will not be privy to seeing it. I had to CRAWL into the back window, over a row bar and over the back seat, balance on the console and then hop into the front seat, thus opening the door. Did I mention that the space was a little over a foot wide and that I am almost six feet tall? Did I mention I was wearing a TIGHT skirt that hit me mid-thigh? Did I mention I was wearing four inch heels? Dear goodness, this is NOT going to be pretty.

So, I said, “Please go to your car.”

“But, what if you need help?”

“Trust me; I will call a tow truck before I let you witness this.”

He must have seen the fortified strength in my eyes, because he didn’t even argue. So, like a puppy with his tail between his legs, he went to his car and never looked back. I kicked off my shoes, hiked up my skirt and proceeded to crawl, feet first, into the teeny window. I fell (gracefully, I might add) into the second row seat, hitched my leg over the passenger seat, and pushed myself into the driver’s seat, butt-first. Phew, I made it.

I opened the door, took the keys out and kept them in my hand. I got out, hose-footed, and zipped the window back up. I grabbed my things that I had left on the ground and high-tailed it outta there. Within seconds, I received a text from my date that said, “THAT was hysterical” .

So, my dear readers, it appears that not only am I graceful and agile in the dating arena, I also have a backup plan to be a cat burglar should this psychology stuff not work out.

So? Now what?

So, with all these helpful hints and insightful tips to assist in the online dating process, what exactly do we do when we meet someone who just might be what we are looking for? Well, even in typing such a statement, I somewhat shake my head. I hadn’t thought of that. I mean, I know how to spot a con- trust me; I have had enough of them in my life. I know how to pinpoint an OCD, control freak. Yep, I got that one down to a science. (Run for the hills if you see one, trust me!)  When it comes to highlighting liars, and married men, and guys who are players, I can tell you all kinds of signs and tricks of the dating trade to make sure that you are safe (well, saf-er, how is that?)

The dating a great guy thing, well, that is new to me. So, it’s like you and I are learning that together. What happens when you meet someone who is nice?

·         Someone who looks like their profile and their pictures.

·         Someone who says, “Hey, I am not looking to play around or date a thousand women. I am looking to fall in love and have a relationship. I am only looking for someone who is compatible with me and my lifestyle,” and they mean it.

·         Someone who says what they are going to do and does what they say?

Someone who is….

AS successful as you….

AS funny as you….

AS smart as you….

AS creative and talented as you….

AS family-oriented as you….

AS quirky as you….

AS cool as you….

AS positive as you??????

Heck, now what?

What do we do?

I mean, really, I have been looking for this person for what? 43 years? Ok, I wasn’t looking to date at 4, but I was looking to date at 20, right? So, let’s say 23 years. I have been searching for someone like this for 23, long, bloody, painful, joyous, surprising, educational years. NOW WHAT?

Well, I have that answer- We date. We relax and chill out and just do what comes naturally. I know we want to jump in and try and check on it and see if it is okay and if we need to do something more…or less…or better…or quieter….But, we can’t do that stuff. We have to just allow the relationship to grow. And, it needs to grow at its own speed and on its own terms. We cannot sit there and pick it or analyze it to death. The biggest thing we have to do is to simply have fun.

If you ask some of my friends, they will all tell you that you cannot call within so many days or you cannot text too much or too little or some other idiosyncratic thing that might scare the other person off. I, personally, think that is hogwash. Look, if you want to text them, text them! If you want to call them, call them! Call them because you miss them, NOT if you are checking up on them. There is a difference. If you want to see them, then go see them or ask them to come see you. The bottom line is that you are forming a relationship with this person. If you are one of those who likes a lot of time together, then spend a lot of time together- unless there is something on the calendar that is not normal (like obtaining some certification or a dissertation is coming due or a child that is on spring break). Anything out of the norm takes a bit of patience, but when it comes time for reality- for normal scheduling and activities, this is when you find out if your lifestyles are compatible.

Let me give you a for instance. If he is the type who spends a lot of time alone…or with his friends, that is okay. It’s not that you won’t necessarily connect. You just may. You have to “ease” your way into his life. If she is really busy with volunteer activities and she doesn’t have a lot of free time to give you, which is okay. Express you like to spend time with her and express that you would like both of you to set aside more time together. Just don’t sit there and let it bottle up inside you. Give her (or him) whatever space and time he/she needs to “ease” into the relationship. For me, I gauge this time to be about two months or so, give or take a couple of weeks. If at month three, he/she isn’t setting aside a good portion of time for “us stuff,” you may have an issue on your hands. It’s possible that person just doesn’t have the need or desire to spend more than a couple of days a month with you. It’s possible. However, if you are communicating regularly and expressing what you want and need, this should come as no surprise to them that you want more time.

Here is my best advice to you. Communicate. Talk about things. Don’t be afraid to tell the other person that you miss them. Do it kindly and with a clear desire to have a stronger relationship. Give the other person a chance. And, giving a chance means giving them time to ease into the relationship. I say this word because when you do a head dive into that pool of love, sometimes you smack your noggin’ on the bottom if you aren’t in deep enough water. For the most part, we are all adults looking to find love. And, we all have adult lives- which means we are balancing kids and soccer and school and career and church and exercise and…and…and…. When you throw another person into the mix, things get complicated. Work together to smooth these wrinkles out. In the end, the relationship will be much calmer and easier.

BLOG_March 2012

So, in a period of two days, I have had SIX (not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, but six) people comment that I have not submitted any work on my blog. Yes, my dear friends, you are correct. I have been quite busy. As my Facebook friends are well aware, some time ago I entered into Hope counseling training, which has occupied so much of my personal time. Introspectively, this has been one of the best personal exercises. As this blog solely refers to dating, I am a bit off center to fully address the training program and the impact it has made on me as a whole. However, as it relates to dating, it has caused me to- once again-reexamine my motivation and purpose as it relates to relationships.  Simply put, “What the heck am I doing?!?!?!”

So, let me update you. I am pretty sure this will not be the happy-go-lucky post you are accustomed to, but it does assist you in getting to know me better….and also understanding why I say (and do) some of the things I say (and do). More than anything, it lets you know the motivation behind my detailed dating analysis- both on myself and the subject in general.

Hope makes us take an introspective look into the audio clips that run in our heads. We examine the patterned behaviors that were laid out before us as children, forming how we view relationships. Specifically, how did our mothers “act” as wives? What did our mother’s nurturing ability (or lack thereof) “do” to our own ability to form and maintain relationships in our own loves? How did our fathers “act” as husbands and dads? How were our siblings treated, versus the messages that were laid out to us in comparison? Again, what is the “Mother Audio Clip?” What is the “Dad’s Sound-bite” that we hear every time we speak with our significant other?

We find that what our mother’s value in a relationship….and what our father’s respond best to…often forms what we look for as adults. So, if you mom is looking to marry rich and your dad was looking for eye-candy, well, let me tell ya what’s in store for you…. However, if your mom was a stay at home mom who nurtured you and cared lovingly for your father, and your father treated her as his princess, then you have a diametrically opposed dating (and ultimately, marriage) life ahead of you.

Whether we admit it or not….whether we are trying to assign blame to someone other than ourselves…whether we are trying to justify our behavior and how it has affected someone in our lives, these things do affect us- at varying degrees- in current relationships. Pervasiveness, inclusion, compassion, punishments/rewards, explanations for intentional acts and many more factors not addressed here determine the degree to which these affect us as adults and how we come to form (and keep) relationships as adults. The excuse, “I did the best I could” just doesn’t cut it.

So, Hope swoops in and says that all these things are “in the flesh” and to find true peace, we can only look away from things of this earth for self-worth and righteousness. We cannot “do” anything to fix us…them…others…the world…life in general…save our soul (or someone else’s, for that matter). We have to simply allow Him into our lives and we act THROUGH and BY our personal God, taking our earthy definitions- and self- out of the equation. These are the concepts I am entrusted to teach others, and while going through this training, it is greatly impacting me.  As a once participant, and now instructor, Hope has brought me out of the darkness and into the light, liberating me from the confines of earthly enslavement. I hope to offer Hope to others, as I am led.

That is my 30-second elevator speech.  Brief, truncated, and missing tons and tons of meat, but you get the general idea.

As I have somewhat been stagnant on the dating home front for months of late, I have reentered this battlefield with the greatest of caution, holding my breath not to step on any forgotten landmines that so often frequent my- actually all of our- past. One here, one there, a date is something I undertake with patience and focus. I do not take them on so lackadaisically any longer. Today, I am looking for something of substance, not that I wasn’t before; however, I tolerated (if that is the right word to use) a lot of nonsense. And, even though I am not militant, I am sticking to my guns in terms of what I will or will not allow.  (Just go with the battlefield analogy. It’s funny).

Simply put, I have come to realize my time IS extremely valuable- foremost to my son, but also to the people I serve. If I carve out time for a date, however serious (or not), it had better not be taken for granted, by myself OR them. Again, dear readers, I am not being militant, but come on now. The line forms to the left, got me? If Subject A doesn’t want to muster up the courage to be sincere, there is a Subject B, C, D…..who will.

So, hopefully, I will resume my comical postings and get back to the fun at heart. I simply wanted you to know where I have been and what I have been up to!

Much Love,

Shawn

Operator, I think my call was disconnected....

I am reading a great novel, when suddenly my phone comes. Up pops a notification I have a new Wink, or a new email, someone has "Liked" me. I pull up the browser and see their profile.

Education? Check.

Background? Check.

Faith? Check.

Healthy/fit? Check.

Attractive? Check.

Financially stable? Check.

Legally available? Check. (although there is no category "Not living with someone, currently")

.....I respond......

.......back and forth chitchat.....

......numbers are exchanged......

And, after a few short days, sometimes less, a call takes place. Its a good call, plenty of laughing with a casual banter that reflects a degree of chemistry on both sides. There is a promise of a future meeting and with much hesitancy as the call was enjoyable, we get off the phone. Shortly thereafter, I receive a text, "It was wonderful speaking with you. Its refreshing to know that some people are sincere on their profiles. I will let you you know about next Thursday! I am excited and we will talk soon! <insert name here>"

...I respond similarly adding a cutesy smiley face, because thats what gals do.....

A subsequent text or two, maybe even a call, but thats it.

.....No follow up on Thursday.....

...... No confirmation about meeting.....

...... No more texts.....

.......No more calls.....

Nothing

All communication ceases.

Now, if this was a one-time deal, I would think that maybe I didn't have the phone muted afterall when I flushed the toilet....oops.... Or! If this were only a dynamic that happened to me, I would assume my potential courters thought I was just quirky. (Yes, its been known to happen). But, this isn't a one time deal, and its not just me. This is a common occurrence that happens with both men and women, regularly. What is going on in the online dating world?

Even though I am not a Generation X-er, or Y for that matter, people who gravitate towards online dating are, in general, technology savvy. People who are technology savvy come to expect electronic responses, right now! And, when the "right now" doesn't happen right now, they close down their browser and reboot. Much of that is true in online dating as well.

We expect a date, right now, and if we don't set it right then and there, it often wont happen. Unfortunately, with the rapidfire requests to connect through the online dating world, our attention is often pulled away..... And then lost forever..... Its like a cat in a dark room with an infinite number of laser pointers flitting here and there. I am surprised we all don't have whiplash!

I have fallen victim to this as frequently as I have perpetrated it.  And while it is intentional, it can give the impression of a serial dater or misrepresent a lack of commitment towards dating in general.

To offset such impressions,  might I suggest creating the concept of a Dating Round? As potential daters are expressing an interest, limit yourself to a certain number upon which you will measure the "lot." For example, you may feel you can only effectively manage three in your round at a time. So, find your three. Talk, text, email, and arrange to meet them over a two week period. As others enter (via a new Wink or email), postpone-as much as possible- pursuing new interests. Initiate, engage, meet, and pursue or conclude this round of individuals before "moving on" to another new connection.

Here is the problem....if you are flitting from one person to the next, you are never discovering the potentials of the ones right in front of your eyes. And, if you are distracted from one, you will be distracted from another.....and, before you know it, you will be like a cat in a dark room full of lazers.... And you may have missed getting to know the love of your life.

Much love,

Shawn

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Hello? Is somebody there?

Whether it is my career choice or my academic training or my innate intuition, I have this inner voice that tells me when something just ‘ain’t’ right. For years, I have tried to squelch that voice or logically explain its message away. Certainly, this cannot be true or I am being too sensitive. Maybe what he is telling me is true. He cannot possibly be lying to me, right? Well, at 43, I have learned through numerous mistakes, far too many to recount or even attempt to tally, that my inner voice usually holds some modicum of truth. Today, when I get that feeling that something just ain’t right, I may not know the details, but I listen to it.

Until recently, I have applied this inner awareness to just about every aspect of my life: career, faith, ethical choices, friend selection, etc. with one exception, my dating life. In dating, there are words I have used to explain away that inner, gut feeling. Words like…..

……illogical…...paranoid..….sensitive..….over-analytical…jaded…insecure…

I have used these words to explain why I am feeling something that just doesn’t seem right. He is a good guy and didn’t mean to hurt my feelings, right? I am simply being sensitive….. Or, oh, he isn’t dating around behind my back. I am being paranoid. Fast forward four or five months, and yes, I learn he is cheating on me….or that yes, he is a jerk and simply has no idea about being responsible in a dating relationship. The lesson to this is to never, ever ignore that inner voice. If you think something isn’t right, well, you may not know what isn’t right or you may not know who isn’t telling the truth or you do not know how things went down, but something simply isn’t right.

To me, the specifics are of no consequence.

And, since it has taken years for this to sink in with me, I have some interesting tails of “certainly this isn’t happening” situations. Here are a few:

1)      Secret accounts: I have learned that some men (one of my best guy friends being one of them) have secret online dating accounts. They are duplicate accounts with a different user name. Sometimes they have pictures, sometimes not. These accounts allow them to date someone “exclusively” (and I am using that word loosely here, LOL) while continuing to “keep their options open” should things not work out with you. (Yes, readers, that was the explanation I was given).

2)      Sleeping Child: The Sleeping Child excuse is one of the oldies but goodies. [text]“Sweetie, I cannot call you because my son is sleeping next to me.” Uh, let’s change that around to “Sweetie, I cannot call you because my wife is asleep next to me.” Ah, that’s better.

3)      The Last Minute Date: The last minute date, in and of itself, is not such a big deal. BUT, if all he ever does is ask for a last minute date that is a HUGE red flag blowing in the wind. That tells me wifey (or girlfriend, take your pick) stepped out at the last minute, which gives him an excellent opportunity to ‘step out’ himself.

4)      Tick Tock Time: So, he cannot ever give you a time. For example, he has to take the kids home on a Sunday night (you know, visitation is over). He wants to see you afterwards. Cool! So, he says to keep your schedule loose for Sunday evening.

6 PM, you text, “Any ETA?”

“Not yet. Have to call my ex. Will get back with you! Cannot wait to see you tonight!”

7:30 PM, “What’s the word?”

“Don’t know. Packing to go back.”

8 PM, “Do you want me to head your way yet?”

“I am driving them now. Will let you know.”

8:30 PM, “Are you there?”

“Still in car.”

9:30 PM, “Can you estimate what time we can get together?”

“I am driving. I have to get the kids home. Will call when I can!!!!!”

10:30 PM, “Name, there is no way you are still driving. What is going on?”

“I am being honest and I do not appreciate your accusing me of lying. I had to pack and get the kids ready. And then drive them home. This is something I have been doing for three years and it just takes a while. If this is going to work, you need to learn to be patient. My kids are my priority, not dating. I do want to see you though.”

***Ok, readers, do not sit there and think, “She is crazy to have kept texting with him.” Trust me, I knew something was up at 7:30 PM. Seriously, what parent doesn’t know the approximate time the kids are supposed to be back at their mothers? I kept the dialogue going while shopping and then over appetizers at Sage Restaurant near the Perimeter Mall, with a girlfriend. We would talk, forget for a moment about him, then return to the text dialogue. By 8 PM, I was bored with it, but my girlfriend (who is married) was really into it. She kept returning to my cell. I guess this was her vicarious way of living the single life, LOL. Eventually, even she became bored. Bottom line, I ended up telling the guy I wasn’t interested. End of story.***

5)      Emergency: So, you are on the date and then his cell jingles or vibrates or downright rings. He “has to take this. It’s one of the kids!” He steps out and takes the call. Within a few moments, he comes back and says that he needs to leave. If it happens once, well, I you certainly understand. But, if this is a repeat situation, it’s not normal. I guess it is possible he has a child with enormous issues which require interrupting his evenings repeatedly, but even if that is the case, is that something you really want in your life anyway?

In all of this, the message is clear: If something doesn’t seem to be right, honey, it isn’t. Listen to your gut. Listen to your inner self.

Let me get deep for a moment. People call it a lot of things. Some say they are psychic. Some say they have a sixth sense. Some say they are naturally intuitive, like an animal instinct. I say that God has placed an inner voice of discernment in each of us. The Bible talks about this, in fact, both in the Old AND the New Testaments. The New Testament even goes on to say there is a highly developed level of discernment that some have. It is listed as gift of the Holy Spirit.

Whatever you personally call it….whatever you believe it is or isn’t, you need to listen to it. Rarely do I go out on a limb and tell you what you need to do. In this instance, however, I firmly believe you need to listen to that inner voice, especially when dating.

It is telling you the truth. It is showing you the safe path, the best path.

Much love,

Shawn

Surprises!

In online dating, I can honestly say, I feel like I have seen and heard it all. I am sure you may be able to share one of your own stories and I welcome them. But, until I hear from you, let me share a couple of my most memorable moments.

One of my favorite meetings was back in the early 2000’s, when I first became involved with online dating. To be honest, I was green-eyed and bushy-tailed and had no clue as to the do’s and don’ts of dating, let alone this new online phenomenon. I received a Wink from this gorgeous guy with the bluest of eyes, and this dark, dark, curly hair. With olive skin hinting of Italian decent, I found him witty and intriguing and all the things I thought I wanted from a charismatic gentleman. With excitement beating my heart, he asked me to meet him at a local, family-owned Italian restaurant (no surprise), known for its atmosphere and solid cooking. I arrived at the charming hotspot and began to look around the small room for my prince-in-waiting. I could not see him. I stood there a moment. He was nowhere to be found. I checked the time. Yes, it was the right time. Where could he possibly be? From the back of the room, I hear someone lightly call out my name and I look up to an energetically waving hand. “Over here! Shawn!” I started towards the booth, and as my eyes took in what I saw, it hit me, “Run!” Of course, I didn’t. I sat down in the booth, across from a gentleman every bit of 20 or more years older than the pictures I had examined. His remaining hair was grey and cut, almost buzzed, close to his head. As he greeted me, I must have had some look of shock and horror on my face, because he immediately addressed the physical inconsistencies with his pictures. He explained to me that he was “young at heart” and most of the women who were attracted to him were “old and boring” with “one foot already in the grave.” Yes, readers, he said that. So, he had the brilliant idea to use his son’s pictures in the hopes that he could attract younger women, and once he met them, they would see exactly how youthful he actually was.

That fateful one-time meeting at the Italian restaurant ended up taking an hour of my life that I will never get back, but my next date example was one for the books. Now, this was before I had come up with the Twenty-Minute Meeting concept, so official “First Dates” were still my modus operandi….unfortunately. Anyway, I had met a gentleman and we had some very engaging conversations. During one of them, he stated he was quite the gentleman and did not believe the woman should ever, under any circumstances, pay for the first date. Since I was thinking that the conversation was good, hopefully, this date would go well equally. He asked me on a traditional dinner and a movie for Friday night. I felt like I was in high school again! We met at the movie theater and got in line for the ticket counter. As we waited in line, he stood in front of me, leading the conversation and engaging me in light banter that was both fun and took the boredom out of the long wait. In what appeared to be no time at all, we were at the head of the line awaiting the next available clerk. Upon being called, my date stepped to the side. Let me say that again. He stepped to the side. Are you getting what he did? Instead of stepping up to the counter, he stepped to the side of the line, leaving me at the head…..alone….looking at the clerk…..with a line of people behind me…. I looked to him and he turned his back, stepping a few feet from the head of the line. “Mam, next in line please.”

As I walked toward the counter, everything fell into place.  This guy was going to stick me with both our movie tickets, even after his display of chivalry. Oh, my woeful reader, do not despair. I had a plan. I made my purchase and proceeded toward the ticket taker.

Serendipitously, my date appeared beside me. “Everything okay?” he asked.

“Absolutely, not a problem.”

“Tickets please.”

I handed the young teen, working the gate, my ticket and proceeded towards the appropriate theater, leaving my date- ticketless- with him. Have I ever told you that I sometimes enjoy going to the movies alone?