A Dating Philosophy

I thought I would give you a dating philosophy summary. I think this helps me as much as it helps you....  Here we go:

If a man/woman wants to see you, there is nothing that can keep them away. If a man/woman doesn’t want to see you, there is nothing you can do to make them stay.

Stop making excuses for a man/woman and their behavior. Allow your intuition to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that is not meant to be. Your gut instinct is ALWAYS right. It just may take longer for the message to get to your brain!

He is a man/She is a woman. Nothing more, nothing less. Jobs can be lost. Money can be spent. Waistlines and firmness change over time. What is on the inside is what matters. You might have the tightest abs in the world, but when you are 80, those abs will be gone, and all that will remain is the person with whom you are going to spend the rest of your life.

Never live your life for another person before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the other person was not treating you as you deserve, then heck no, you cannot “be friends.” Friends don’t mistreat other friends.

Don’t settle. EVER.

If you feel like the other person is stringing you along, s/he probably is.

If a person treats you like they don't care, guess what? They don't.

Don’t stay because you think it will probably ‘get better.’ You will kick yourself a year down the line when things aren’t better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Always have your own set of friends separate from hers/his.  If, when you are talking with your friends about your partner's inappropriate behavior, they start to make excuses for that person, find new friends to confide in. The "why" isn't important. The fact inappropriate behavior is present is what is truly significant, and nothing else matters.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy/gal treats you.

If something bothers you, speak up.

You cannot change someone else’s behavior. Change comes from within.

Never let someone else define who you are.

 

Never borrow someone else’s boy/girlfriend. If s/he cheats with you, s/he will cheat on you.

Compromise is a two-way street.

You need to heal between relationships. There is nothing cute about baggage, even if it is a matching set.

Dating is fun. When it stops being fun, you shouldn’t be dating.

Scared of being alone is what makes a lot of people stay in relationships that are hurtful. You should know that you are the best thing that could ever happen to someone else, and if someone takes that for granted, s/he is missing out on a good thing- YOU!

Lastly, if s/he was attracted to you in the first place, and s/he is not the one, do not worry. Think about it.....if s/he was looking, rest assured, others are looking too. You have a lot of choices- Make the right one.

Good luck!

 

Stymied

So, I am not aware if you realize it or not, but I have not posted in quite some time. So, here I am at almost 1 AM....  Truth be told, I have taken a hiatus from dating for awhile. It has become ridiculous, so I quit. I would, however, like to give you a story from some time ago, that reared its quite ugly head TODAY.....

First, you know I was engaged, right? And, broke up some time ago, right? Kinda threw me into a tailspin for awhile. Oh, and let me tell you this, my ex.... He sends me a reminder- now that I am single "yet again" (as he puts it). Really? Talk about insensitivity. Here is the pathetic part. He sends me this email. Subject line says, "Its that time of year again." I am thinking- soccer? Haircut? Summer camps? No- it is his reminder to me not to have sex with my son present. If ever I doubted divorcing him- trust me, I haven't (just to set the record straight)- this reinforced everything I ever thought about the man. Honestly, the guy needs a life.

Anyway, so I somewhat go into hiding. Then, the day of my birthday last year (yes, November)some friends "talk" me into going back online. They said they have never seen me "this way." What the heck is "this way?" so, fine. Whatever. I went back online and reposted on Match.com. I wasn't two hours in when the fish started biting. It was like a frenzy.... "Oh, you're back" or "Hey, I remember you" or "I am so glad you are back. I meant to reach out to you months ago." Bottom line, I recognized them all. After months of being engaged, they were still using the same profile photos. Shocker.

I tried a date or two and was beyond disappointed. So, this one guy hit me up. Kinda cute, but he didn't wow me. And, he never called me. He just texted and sent emails through Match. To me, huge red flag. So, via email I set up a meeting at this local Buckhead brewery on a Saturday afternoon. the night before, I went out with my girlfriends. A prior fling was there by coincidence, and he and I and my friends ended up talking our faces off all evening. In the end, I did not get to bed- ALONE- until around 3 AM. So, when I got up and made coffee at 11:30, I wasn't looking forward to some meeting with some dude who I hadn't even spoken to at 2 PM. I sent a text, praying to God he wouldn't answer. And, he didn't!! I said, "Hey, just confirming we are getting together today at 2." at 12:40 PM, the man texts back he was at the gym and of course we were getting together. ARGH!!! So, feeling like a putz, I jumped up and began to rush for this ridiculous meeting which I knew would only end in-yet another- disaster. I was ten minutes late and walked in.

First, the dude was balder than I thought. Not a huge issue, but now I know why his picture was skued, cock-eyed to the side. Hide the hair- or lack there of. I sit beside him. We have a beer... Then, he has another...and another....and another..... (Caution flag is out).....  It is a halfway pleasant day, which turns into an early evening. Not too shabby. We actually got along.... Ok, looking back, I talked and he listened with a goober-ish grin on his face. He was not enchanted, but it was something close. I had something to do that evening (as he followed me around like a puppy as I went shopping). It was okay.....

Fast forward a month... He and I have this regular mojo down. We get along. We talk. We laugh. We have some things in common. It is safe.....  Fun, pleasant.... I have no concerns....  But, this pattern starts to emerge.....  Typically, Thursday evening- a wonderful date. He walks me to my car, does not even kiss me (interesting). Friday, we have a fun date for dinner. Saturday, we meet up at 4 for a date, date. Sunday, nothing. Monday, a text. Tuesday, a text or two and a call that evening. Wednesday, a text or two. Thursday- radio silence. Hear nothing until the following Tuesday, when he texts to tell me hello, acting like everything is ducky.

So, build up to the weekend, then great weekend, then decreased activity when my son is home with me during the week, then radio silence on my weekend with my son---ONLY to resume to Status Quo when my son goes to his dads.... the build up starts and then the weekend....

I don't like this. I say something and I am told that we haven't known each other that long. That I am rushing things. Hmmmm, I have been told this before- granted, it was YEARS ago- but, maybe it has some legs. So, I back off.

Nothing that weekend. (It is okay because my son is with me, but in the back of my mind, I am thinking, "Is this normal?) The following Monday, text hello, as if nothing is wrong....again! Tuesday, a call and an invitation to date that weekend. Wednesday, building texts into Friday when we see each other. Friday, he asks me to spend Saturday with him, and I do. Sunday, we go our separate ways, however he calls to tell me he is in love with me. Love. Huh? I mean....huh??  And, he wants to dedicate his dating efforts only to me, exclusively. I actually believe dating one person at a time is wise, so uhhh, ok? I mean, ok???

Now, my dearest readers. What happens next? Can you imagine? Monday, texts.... Tuesday, a text or two and a call that evening. Wednesday, a text or two. Thursday-radio silence. Yes, a repeat of the pattern.....  remember, he is "in love" and "exclusive."

Now let me stop here, ok? You know me, right? You ALL know me. Do you really think I woman like me would put up with this garbage if she was serious? Come on. Really? Uh, no. Not only no, but H-E-Double Hockey Sticks, no.... But, to me, this is entertaining. I am really getting a kick outta this guy. He actually thinks he has his act together.... So, what do I do? Oh man, I go along with it.... I feed him what he wants to hear.... I act all "I love you too" and watch the drama unfold. (Come on! I need fodder for this site. I am telling you, I have nothing spectacular to give you. Let me milk this for what it is worth!!!)

For THREE cycles, this goes on. Part One- Weekend alone with him, I love you, followed by decreasing contact. Part Two- Weekend with my son- he vanishes only to reappear later that week, even though my son is with his dad. I literally cannot do this any longer. Honestly, it lost its entertainment value. It became too predictable. Too boring. Too expected. Too soap opera-ish. Hoakie is the word I would use. Cornbally. So, I threw in the towel....  Back to my life. Sigh of relief.... Then.... Today....

Yes, today. I receive a text. I miss you. Awwwwwww..... Him's sad......  Mr. Baldy Man (And, I like bald men, BTW, but it bothers him, so I call him that behind his back. My friends refer to him as Mr. Rotten Tooth. He has a bad tooth. I hadn't noticed. They, god love them, pointed it out to me). So, he says, "I miss you and blah, blah, blah." I text back.... nicety, nicety.... Ditto stuff....  I assume he can't stand it any longer.... So, he calls me. For entertainment value, I pick up. "I miss you, Shawn. I need you in my life. I love you".....However, and I want to give you a direct quote on this. "I am not your man." What the hell does that mean? Oh, don't think on it too long.... He told me.... It means, I know I am not supposed to be with you. I am "connected" to you in a way I have never been with any other woman in my life, "from the moment I saw you at the brewery, I knew I was in love with you. I think of you every day. I look at your picture all day every day. I keep it on my phone. I think of you in the morning and every evening. I look for you in places I know you go. I have to have you in my life. You are so sexy, so hot. I cannot stop thinking of you. Every time I am with another woman on a date, I think of nothing but being with you. I love you..... But, I am not your man."

<<<<I stop here dear readers>>>> I LITERALLY have nothing to say to this.

When asked, my friends use profanity I will not repeat here and tell me- paraphrased- to ignore him.

This guy wants to reincorporate me into his life, but not dating- without any physical interaction. He says it will kill him, but he will watch me date other men and talk about them, because he wants to have me in his life. He cannot NOT have me in his life. And, if watching me date is what he needs to do to have that, so be it. But, he sounds so sincere.... I, personally, do not understand this. PhD in Psychology, and I don't understand it. He is educated, an executive, not short (although he is not tall), and pseudo-attractive. Honestly, he should be thrilled to get someone like me, haha.... No, seriously. He should.

What is the deal?

So, for the first time EVER, I am asking your input. What do you think is happening? Posting is difficult here, as you have to sign up to follow.... Honestly, I want to know your thoughts. Do not hold back....  So, feel free to send your responses to shawn_dobson@yahoo.com. I will post a consolidation of them later this week.

Much love,

A Stymied Shawn